We Have To Get Back To The Office But Definitely Not Because I’m Sick Of My Kids

Dear Valued Colleagues,

Thanks again for taking the time to complete our “Work from Home Insights Listening and Learning Survey: We Care About You Edition.” As always, we value your candid perspectives and feedback, and we’ve been reading your responses closely while pretending to pay attention on Zoom calls. 

While I know many of you expressed some valid concerns regarding our imminent return to the office—including, off the top of my head, the ongoing pandemic, the exhausting commute, and the fact that we are perfectly capable of doing our work remotely—ultimately, the pros just simply outweigh the cons. I’m pleased to share that we will be returning to the office effective next week.

Now, I know some of you may be thinking: “Wow, this decision is coming out of left field. Is he just forcing us back to the office because he’s tired of spending time with his children?!”

However, that could not be further from the truth. I have treasured my extra time with McKinsleigh, McLaighton, and McArk. I love learning about Roblox, Minecraft, and the intimate details of the character arc of every pup on Paw Patrol (can Marshall just like… get his shit together?!). And I was proud to help punch up their pitch to Mommy on why they deserve the new Nintendo console—although, to be honest, their delivery was amateur, at best. 

No, I love my kids. The real reasons we have to get back to the office are numerous. 

First, we need to make sure we don’t lose the valuable parts of our culture that require physical touch: like handshakes, high fives, and knocking on my office door before entering so daddy can enjoy his coffee in peace for once, McLaighton!

Second, we need to make sure that our young colleagues have ample opportunities to benefit from mentorship. Without strong investment and support from my mentors, I never would have gotten where I am today—the suburbs of New Jersey. I’ve tried to impress this lesson in McKinsleigh, but he’s been slow to loop back with his five-year plan. First grade is no time to start slacking!

Anyway, the third reason it’s time to get back to the office: brainstorming! There’s nothing better than coming up with spontaneous ideas over happy hour with your colleagues. And to be candid, McArk doesn’t handle his scotch as well as I’d expect for an eight year-old.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, we want to ensure that you all can get back to an appropriate work-life balance. Look, I know the past year has not been easy. So many of us have experienced the difficult symptoms of burnout while trying to balance long work hours with childcare, cooking, and other chores. I personally feel your pain—I’ve been struggling with the same thing! For example, it’s really hard when I bump into our nanny around the house because I can never remember what country she’s from and it’s just super awkward for both of us. This burnout stuff is no joke!

So, while your survey responses are valued and appreciated, respectfully: no. 

And after careful consideration with the Executive Leadership Committee over dino chicken nuggets last night, I’ve come to the conclusion not to make the results public—not because we have anything to hide, per se; but rather, because now more than ever, we know it’s essential to keep team morale high. It’s like McKinsleigh’s soccer coach once said: “Winning isn’t everything, but your son needs to stop picking his nose behind the bleachers while the game is in session.”

In closing, for all of the above reasons and more, I think we can all agree it’s time to get back to our favorite spot: work! For those of you who object to the arrangement for health, safety, or personal reasons, we hear you—and we completely understand. We’ll be accepting resignation letters through Friday.

Thanks team! Now I’m gonna go hide Mark’s Lego set so I don’t keep stepping on those stupid motherf*ckers.

Love, 

Your Boss

P.S. When we do return to the office, I will be immediately taking paternity leave to care for my beautiful fourth son, McLiam. Send your fourth kid content recs!

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