I mean it’s 238,900 miles away. Isn’t that far enough? Think about all the work that I put into getting you there. I almost went broke paying for the 950,000-gallon fuel load. What’s more, insisting on an upgrade to business class for your lunar love trip put a crater-sized dent in my wallet. I’m not complaining, and neither should you. Loving someone to the moon is a really big deal. But back?  

I’m aware that everyone from your Uncle Ted to your college ex-roommate sends e-birthday cards with silly cartoons that say they “love you to the moon and back.” But seriously, do you believe that’s true? Do you think Uncle Ted who couldn’t even give you a lift to the airport last week could pull off an interplanetary trip to the moon…and then get you back in one piece?  Your roommate’s sense of direction totally sucks. Leave it to her navigational skills and you’d be incinerated by the sun via Pluto. 

So, now you’re looking for a return trip to Earth. What’s the rush? Why not hang out on the moon for a bit and get yourself together. I’ve double checked, and you’ve got plenty of oxygen and 300 tubes of astronaut food to keep you going. Stop being so needy for five minutes and be happy where you are. As a matter of fact, why not cozy up to the idea that a one-way trip to the moon might be all our relationship could bear. If not, I’m sure Elon Musk or somebody from China will dock soon and give you a lift back in a few months. If absence does make the heart grow fonder, we’ll be the most romantic couple since Buzz Aldrin and his three successive wives. 

Look on the bright side! You are now stationed at the second brightest celestial object of the solar system, after the sun. Your new hangout causes eclipses and affects the magnitude of ocean tides and the length of the day. If leaving you stranded there isn’t real love, I don’t know what is. 

Besides, there’s lot of ways we can stay in touch during your “lunar-cation.” I bet those folks at NASA would be happy to lend me a mic so we could chat and say all kinds of cool things to each other like “Roger that,” “Ambient Temperature Catalytic Oxidation” or the super sexy “Large-Throat Main Combustion Chamber.” 

Rest assured, I’ll be thinking of you every evening or at least when somebody reminds me to look up in the night sky. Someday, maybe we can compromise and rendezvous at the International Space Station. In the meantime, enjoy your lack of gravitational pull!