11 Affirmations For When You Try To Get Out Of Your Car With Your Seatbelt Still On

  1. I love myself exactly as I am now, a person who routinely forgets to unsnap her seatbelt before getting out of the car. With nice hair.
  2. I accept myself unconditionally, even with this unpleasant seatbelt burn on my chest.
  3. I am at peace with where I am, in the busy parking lot of Harmony Community Bank on 4th and Main of my beloved hometown.
  4. I embrace who I am: a person who won’t be held down by society, by being flat broke, or by this gosh darned seatbelt.
  5. I am perfect, just as I am: nervous and jittery — but just about ready to rob my bank of 23 years. With nice hair.
  6. I accept love from myself, just as my friend since the 3rd grade, Sharon the teller, will accept my note asking her to please empty the safe into my laundry bag, which is clean.
  7. I am perfect just as I am, with this peach bouclé ski mask I knit myself for this very occasion. It matches my peach bouclé cardigan.
  8. I am creating my own love, and will create several peach hand-knit cardigans for Sharon if she makes it through today alive.
  9. I am enough; the main question is, is 2 million dollars enough? That’s how much Sharon casually mentioned is in the safe on Tuesdays at 3:17 pm.
  10. I am whole. I sure do hope I don’t have to shoot anyone and make them less whole today.
  11. I am constantly growing, evolving and becoming my best self, even though earlier I said I was perfect just as I am: a lady about to rob my bank and tell my good friend Sharon I’ll shoot her if I have to. With nice hair.

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