Bill Hader

Out of nowhere, I realize how amazing you are. I swear it has nothing to do with me being immunocompromised and isolated for over a year because of a global pandemic. Please materialize in front of me so I can remove your pants. 


Wow, Bill. I want to congratulate you on the evolution of your hairstyles. Would you like a cup of tea? Has playing gay characters made you more sexually adventurous as a straight man? I would love to watch a pre-code film with you or make-out with you while a pre-code film is playing. 


I watched one of your movies last night. I would give it three Trixie Mattels out of five. I had to really think about if it was three Trixies or four. There’s no such thing as half a Trixie Mattel, Bill. You’re so Gen X.  


Bill, I just don’t care. I don’t care what little spinner you’re dating. I don’t care what little spinner stars on your TV show. I don’t care what little spinner is tied to the roof of your car. I am woozy, vaccinated, beautiful, brand new. Mediocre men are waiting for me.  

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