Downward Facing Dog You Wish You Had
Start by getting down on all fours with your butt high up in the sky. Rock your weight back into your heels and reflect on how the word “heel” makes you desperately wish you had a canine companion to accompany you during the loneliest year of your life. As you breathe in, fantasize about choosing between a miniature aussie and a labradoodle, both of which you cannot afford but would love to set up Instagram accounts for. As you exhale, ground yourself back into reality. Your reality. The one where you’re deathly allergic to dogs.
Only Child’s Pose
In a kneeling position, sit back onto your feet and sprawl forward, grasping at the emptiness around you. Close your eyes and reminisce about growing up as an only child, and how you hopelessly yearned for siblings who never came to fruition. As an adult, you found tremendous joy in having roommates. That was such a great time in your life, wasn’t it? Too bad when the clock struck twelve on your 30th birthday, you foolishly decided it was time to “be a real adult” and “leave your childish roommates behind.” One week later, the country entered lockdown and you were once again, locked down by the shackles of isolation. A variation of this pose allows for you to hug yourself. It’s okay if you need to.
Baby Cobra Health Insurance You Still Haven’t Set Up
Lie down flat on your stomach, then using your rickety elbows, lift your chest up towards the sky in a Superman-type motion. Close your eyes and use this time to gently remind yourself that you are in fact not Superman. You are a single thirtysomething with no spouse and more importantly, no health insurance at the moment. Of course your mother has been constantly reminding you to sign up for COBRA, whatever that is. Who cares, right? Just don’t get hit by a bus. In the meantime, just focus on stretching your lower back in this amazing snake-inspired posit– ouch! What was that crack? You know what, maybe just try to ignore it. Because the bite of medical debt is much, much worse than that of a baby cobra.
Cat Cowlick During Your Zoom Meetings
On all fours, arch your back up towards the sky before reversing the motion and cranking your gaze upwards. Just like all the times you strained your neck looking up at your Dell computer monitor during Zoom meetings in which you sported an embarrassing cowlick that no one thought to warn you about. Damn your non-speaking houseplants! Now curve your back upwards again, shifting your lifeless gaze back down to the green-ish brown grout in your tile flooring. At least here, you’re safe. Because unlike your boss Erika, grout does not judge. Grout is grout.
Bridge To Nowhere Pose
Lying flat on the ground, thrust your hips up into the air while digging your shoulder blades into the floor, forming a bridge-like shape. Where does the bridge lead to? Nowhere. You are both the start and the end of this decrepit, old bridge. Kind of like how you wake up alone and also go to sleep alone every night! You could try Facetiming your old roommates, but seeing as you abruptly walked out on your birthday yelling, “See ya later, suckas!”… it’s safe to say that bridge has been burned.
Warrior One Name On The Lease
Step into a lunge position with your arms extended out. Feel the empty space around you. That’s who you can rely on to cover rent should anything happen to you–no one. If Erika decides it’s time for you to go bye bye, you’ll have to channel your broke inner warrior by creating god knows how many side hustles just to survive. Guess you’ll have to actually watch those Squarespace ads all the way through now, huh? As you shift your weight down into your thighs, remind yourself that the burning sensation is nowhere near as bad as how it’ll feel to burn through your laughable life savings just to continue living in your shed. A shed that your landlord converted into a “studio apartment.” But really, it’s a shed.
Lie perfectly still in a position that you find the most flattering for your figure. With your eyes closed, remember that if you suddenly died, no one would find your corpse for weeks, possibly even months. That is, until your landlord remembers his old shed is supposed to be generating revenue. To prepare for his discovery, practice collapsing into this photogenic position over and over again until it becomes second nature. That way, at least your skeleton will be somewhat presentable when the forensics team takes your photo. Bonus points if it’s a yoga pose!