What Girls Can Really Expect! by Milton Bradley
To have it all (brains, beauty, kids and career) but also somehow make it seem effortless!
2–6 middle-school girls. Fun for all ages, but younger and cuter players have an advantage.
Choose one player to be the banker. This may be hard to decide because none of you are good at math.
Each player picks a little plastic car to move around the board. Put a pink plastic peg in your car. It must be pink, or else you will get pulled over by the gender police.
Choose who goes first by calling up a boy in your class and having him rank the players based on cuteness.
On Your Turn
Spin the spinner and move your plastic car the indicated number of spaces. It’s so simple that even girls can get it (but that will not stop us from explaining the rest of the game to you!)
At the start of the game, have another player fan out the Career Cards face down and choose one. If the card says “Degree Required,” you cannot choose this career unless you go to College. If the card says “Dick Required” you can never choose this career.
Whichever Salary Card you get, deduct 20% from it, as you can still only expect to make $0.80 cents to the dollar that men make.
When you get to the “Marriage” space, stop and spin the spinner. If you land on…
9 or 10: Add a blue peg to the driver’s seat of your plastic car, because your husband is a better driver than you.
7 or 8: Add a blue peg, but your husband will eventually leave you for someone half his age.
6 or 7: Add a pink peg. (We assume you are going Lesbo to pick up guys? Cool.)
1–5: Die an old maid. Add two to five grey cat pegs to your car.
Whenever you land on a “Baby!” space, add a blue or pink plastic peg to your car.
Each time you acquire a Baby! peg, either:
a) Trade your Career and Salary Cards in for a Stay-At-Home-Mom Card. Or,
b) Keep your Career and Salary Cards, but pay 98% of your Salary for childcare costs.
If you never land on any “Baby!” spaces, you are a selfish bitch who only cares about her own interests. If you do land on “Baby!” spaces, you are a selfish bitch who only cares about her kids.
When you land on “Buy a House,” lose a turn because you are getting mansplained to about mortgages.
Career Change Spaces
There are spaces on the board where your Career and Salary may change suddenly.
For example, if you land on “Global Pandemic Sets Women In The Workforce Back 35 Years!,” give back your Salary Card, trade your Career Card for a Stay-At-Home-Mom Card, and quietly give up on your dreams.
Or, if you land on “You’re Fired Because You Spoke Up in a Meeting and While You Thought You Were Being Assertive, They Thought You Were Being A Total B!” lose your Salary and Career Cards for three turns, flip the board in anger, and become filled with shame.
Every time you land on “Must Be That Time Of The Month!,” do not collect your salary for one turn because you clearly can’t think straight.
Should you land on “#MeToo” (1 in 3 chance), dissociate for the rest of the game.
Once you pass the “You’re Over The Hill!” space (your 38th birthday) you will start experiencing ageism in addition to sexism! You are now an old hag. While blue plastic husband pegs become silver foxes, your own plastic peg starts to disappear because society deems you invisible.
At the end of the game, turn over any LIFE Tiles you’ve collected. These reveal your achievements! Examples include:
“Don’t Win The Nobel Prize! (We are just being realistic. Only 6% of winners have been women).”
“Cure The Common Cold. But The Credit Goes To Your Male Colleague!”
“Become President… Of Your Local Bookclub!”
The player who reaches retirement as a rich, hot GILF (Grannie I’d Like To F#$@) without getting all hysterical.
Have fun, girls!