Well, well, well, if it’s another family birthday party between two bickering relatives who are too passive-aggressive to properly communicate their issues openly. Isn’t someone gonna welcome me back, the elephant in the room? They should, but they won’t. Despite being the guest of honor at every dysfunctional family function, no one ever acknowledges me. People pay to see me at the circus, but these people won’t pay me an ounce of attention. Even though I’m the one responsible for the tension in the room so thick you could cut it with a knife. See those two Lisa and Helen over there? Those sisters-in-law who won’t even make eye contact and are making everyone else in their family uncomfortable? Feel how awkward it is? Yep, that’s me! 

I guess I’m still confused why I’m involved at all in the first place? If I’m following right–and believe me, I know how to follow since I did as a young elephant holding my mom’s tail–Lisa and Helen’s issues initially stemmed from Lisa committing a faux pas at Christmas brunch four years ago for mentioning that her son Owen played off-key during his piano recital. So what does that even have to do with me? I wasn’t at Christmas brunch. I mean, an invite would’ve been nice, but, you know, I get it’s family stuff. Obviously, right now I’d rather be splashing around in my mud bath or taking a colossal shit, but here I am in your family room waiting for a greeting I’ll never receive. 

I’m typically not one to bring attention to myself but you all know how hard it was to fit my fat ass into this room in the first place. And yes, it’s 100% my fault for getting my two tusks stuck in the chandeliers, but I wanted to see if those were conflict-free diamonds you got there. But, do you know who does do a good job of reminding me and my friends that we exist? Newlyweds who come pet me while me and the boys are sedated to get a good photo in Thailand. The least you guys can do is offer me a drink while I chill here. I’m going to head over to the punch bowl and suck all that juice up, one second.

But, you couldn’t think of any other, I don’t know, SMALLER wild animal to be here to take up space and make the environment awkward and tense? Maybe a monkey, or a gorilla or something? Apparently, they’re supposed to be closest to your species DNA-wise so maybe they’d be a little more understanding of why Helen thinks Lisa is a low-brow bitch who can’t keep up her dark roots to save her life and who never returned Helen’s favorite Tupperware dish from two Thanksgivings ago. I’m sick of always being on call for this shit, since as you can see, this is a lot of work and I’m clearly clocking overtime. You know I have another job, right? I’m a Dumbo impersonator on weekends. Someone’s gotta pay the bills.

Oh, come on! You know I can hear the whispers. Lisa, I heard you saying Helen’s top is too revealing for a child’s birthday party. My ears are huge and if I was cartoon animated, you know I would have flown right out of this room, but alas, I’m not and you still won’t address me. I know you two have been beefing for a long time and your friends recommend going to family therapy. But who weighs 30 tons and has 4 legs that can trample you to death? This guy. I’m not afraid to spray a bitch with my nose either, so don’t you dare try to cross me or even ride me like it’s a wedding in India. You two need to bury the hatchet like I bury all my prey as soon as possible. I have a herd to feed you know. 

What am I even doing here in the first place? I should be walking really slowly in Africa or in a zoo where little kids can point at me and say ‘elephant.’ I had to turn down a huge Animal Planet deal to be here because you two don’t dare address me. And unfortunately, I’m going to keep finding myself in these rooms until you guys start talking. Just make sure you’re ready to help me get out of here once you do.