How To Wear Clothes And Ride Elevators: The Updated Employee Manual For Our Return To The Office

Dear Employees,

As the COVID-19 vaccines have proven to be 95% effective, our office will begin re-opening, unfortunately. We understand that some of you have reservations about returning to civilization. With that in mind, we have made some amendments to the employee handbook to ensure we all have as much fun as possible sitting alone in dark cubicles for 10 hours a day again.

Please note you cannot mute yourself or turn your camera off in real-time. Your colleagues will be able to see and hear you now.

Below please find the new dress code, office rules, and return-to-the-office plan. Yay.

Dress code: It will be mandatory upon re-entry to the office that all employees wear clothing over their pelvis and the entire bottom half of their quarantine-snack-filled noodle bodies.

Sweatpants, pajama pants, Tour De France cycling jumpsuits, and/or Beyonce 2018 Coachella denim cut-offs are all not pants and are not acceptable per company policy.

HR managers will be doing demonstrations of the following actions upon the first day back, so if this is overwhelming, don’t worry, we don’t remember how to do these once mastered actions either.

HR will cover:
Buttoning shirts
Sitting in chairs

Please note that the office will expect you to spend the entirety of the day sitting in chairs. We know it sucks. Some may have wheels, but please do not be alarmed. Also do not engage in hallway speed racing, even though the 4th floor is a prime location.

Chairs will be the only acceptable vehicle on which to place your human body for the duration of each workday. But honestly, if you manage to roll your home bed into the office and sit on it all day, we’ll be so impressed we won’t even penalize you.

But we’re mandated to say that beds, chaise lounges, picnic tables, futons, lawn chairs, golf carts, exercise balls, and Pelotons will not be considered appropriate office décor. HAHA AREN’T YOU CUTE BEING ABLE TO AFFORD A PELOTON YOU NEVER EVEN USE, MARTHA! We understand that you likely spent the last 14 months of your life laying on a bed with a laptop burning your bare legs, however, this is a place of business, and we must keep our thighs hidden, but again, if you manage to get your sleep number up the elevator, we will find that pretty badass, honestly can’t lie.

Showers.
You can’t do that here.
Naps.
You can kind of do that; you probably did before, just keep it subtle.

Finally, please find instructions to enter the office below.

Drive, walk, bike, rollerblade, or skip to 1394 Rottington Way, 19th Floor. That’s the office address in case you forgot.

Exit whatever mode of transportation you took to leave your house and move your weak, confused body and its corresponding appendages towards the building. Place your hand on the doorknob, and open the door, whilst moving your legs into the building. This will feel new as many of you likely only got in 124 steps total in the last year, you’ll probably be sore the next day. Upon completion of those steps, you will then have entered the building. Cool, we’ll back on the corporate hamster wheel, goody.

Take the elevator (see below) to the 19th floor. Due to COVID-19 safety protocols, you all must take the elevator one at a time. Yeah, we still have to say that. We can’t believe that shit either. We recommend leaving 7 hours ahead of time, so we all exit the elevator, into the office by 9 a.m. Please stand 90 feet apart until it is your turn to enter the elevator. It’s gonna be so much fun. Listen to The Daily podcast while you wait in line so you can remember that not one thing has gotten better this year.

Please let us know if you have any questions. We look forward to having you back in the office to slowly die inside, stare at laptops and make soul-crushing, pointless small talk with people we loved not seeing in person for a year. Look forward to doing that again for however long we have before we all nearly die of physical or mental illness in the next pandemic.

PS:

Merriam-Webster defines pants as “an outer garment covering each leg separately and usually extending from the waist to the ankle.”

Elevator: “a cage or platform and its hoisting machinery for conveying people or things to different levels”

Chair: “a seat typically having four legs and a back for one person”

Button: “a small knob or disk secured to an article (of clothing) and used as a fastener by passing it through a buttonhole or loop.”

Sincerely,
HR

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