Things I, A Millennial, Blame For My Body Dysmorphia

If you’re a mid to late 90s or early 2000s kid feel free to blame your body dysmorphia on the following…

Wii Fit

Let’s be honest, this “game” is basically just a scale. I spent precious time creating a “Mii” to look like me, just for the game to scream at me that I’m .2 pounds overweight and add stomach rolls to my avatar without my permission. 

Seventeen Magazine Workouts

The year is 2006 and I’m reading about new hairstyles and embarrassing dating stories and then I’d get absolutely ATTACKED by the two-page workout spread in the middle of the magazine. “5 Moves for a KILLER Prom Bod!” or “Get a Tight Butt in 1 day!” or “Do These Ab Workouts and Justin Will Finally Like You Back!” 

The Junior’s Section at Kohl’s

The sizing there should have been illegal. I’m an extra-small in a Mudd t-shirt but an extra-large in this Candies tank top? Witchcraft. I’d rather eat a sock than return to the days of squeezing into junior sized jeans in a Kohl’s fitting room. 

Bratz Dolls

They had no feet. You’d just screw the legs into the shoes. Yet another unrealistic beauty standard for women.

America’s Next Top Model

Anyone considered plus sized on this show was approximately still only 90 pounds.

Magic Bubble/Popcorn Shirts

Remember these mofos? Of course, a shirt that could fit both me and my American Girl Doll was going to fuck me up emotionally for the rest of my life.

That Episode of “Full House” Where DJ Passes Out From Starving Herself

Okay but like, if I were raised by Danny Tanner I’d have issues too. He toxic as hell. The Fuller House reboot should have just been about how all the daughters are in therapy as adults.

Oreo Thins

Punk ass cookies

Neopets

These dramatic little fucks could never decide when they were hungry. I’d feed my pet Kacheek a strawberry and afterwards their status would say “bloated” and then I’d come back a week later and they’d be “famished.” Make up your mind.

Gauchos

I don’t care who you are, no one looked good in these tight waisted yet super loose cropped pants. If I wanted to look like I’m drowning I’d just literally drown myself, thanks.

 iPod Minis

Where regular iPods too fat?

Jiggly Puff the Pokémon

A boy in elementary school told me that if I were a Pokémon I’d be Jiggly Puff and I’ve spent seventeen years wondering if I actually looked like Jiggly Puff or he just meant that I liked to sing.

The “My Fitness Pal” App

I’d log an apple into my food log and this app would be like “bitch, that’s 700 calories over your daily budget you lazy ass whore.”

All these things combined (plus maybe a few other things) are responsible for all my problems and I WILL be suing. In the meantime, eat the goddamn double stuffed Oreo bitch. You deserve it. 

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