Harry Styles’s New Beauty Line Targets Fanbase Of Horny, Millennial Mothers

by Lindsay Hameroff and Anna Pook

Exciting news for Harry Styles fans: the multi-hyphenate celebrity has officially launched a beauty brand! Though the collection is intended for everyone (Styles is an advocate for gender fluidity and inclusivity), the cheeky product names seemingly nod to his loyal fanbase of exhausted, sexually-frustrated mothers, aka the demographic who resurrected Robinne Lee’s novel The Idea of You during the pandemic. 

Here’s a review of some of our favorite products:

  1. I Had Your Baby Kiwi Face Wash: Our testers loved this light, fruity cleanser, which gently purifies skin without any lingering residue. It’s perfect for busy mothers whose nighttime skincare regime consists of splashing some cold water on their faces before accidentally passing out on their toddler’s bedroom floor.
  1. The Fine Line Eraser: This lightweight serum is designed to target the appearance of fine lines caused by stress, time, and your most recent trip to the ER after your four-year-old accidentally swallowed an LOL Surprise doll shoe. Its efficacy is negligible, but fear not: Harry prefers his lovers not to look a day under 35.
  1. We’re Not Talking Lately (We’re Screaming) Lip Balm: For the mother who only has time for minimalistic beauty routines, this cherry-flavored balm provides a splash of color reminiscent of the popsicle stain on your living room carpet. Your lips will stay soft and moisturized all day, no matter how many times you have to ask your kids to stop licking the shopping trolley, or stop trying to put a hat on your elderly Labrador, or stop arguing with their brother about Roblox.
  1. Meet Me in the Hallway Mirror Mascara: Encased in a hot pink tube (Harry’s signature shade!), this mascara comes in three colors that are guaranteed to make your eyes pop. Best of all, the waterproof formula stays put all day, even when you’re tearfully eating Fruit by the Foot while hiding from your kids. Just be sure to apply it in front of your entryway mirror, aka the only reflective surface in your home that’s too high up to be covered in tiny, smudged fingerprints. 
  1.  Watermelon Sugar Bikini Line Strips: With the exception of Katherine Heigl, we all know what Harry’s Grammy-winning song is really about. We also know that the success rate of home bikini waxing is pretty close to zero, but the fun, melon scent will ease the sting of the subsequent third-degree burns you’ll inevitably incur.
  1. You’re So Golden Self-Tanner: This easy-to-use self-tanner has a smooth, radiant finish that allows users to gradually build color. Now you can get the luminous, sun-kissed skin you would have obtained naturally if you didn’t have to spend half your beach vacation in the hotel room trying (and failing) to get your kids to take their afternoon nap.
  1. She/He/Them/Us: A perfume for everyone, but mainly Mom, because as the nominated family accountant, she understands that a little goes a long way, especially at 150 bucks a bottle. Reminiscent of Styles’ favored cologne, Tom Ford’s Tobacco Vanille, this formula combines his signature scents: smoky tobacco, warm vanilla, and hair pomade. 
  1. Beachwood Café Exfoliating Coffee Scrub: As you may have ingested a dangerous daily level of caffeine, try applying mom fuel to the outside of your body. This gentle, natural scrub melts away debris and build-up without stripping skin of its natural oils. And while Falling is a beautiful song about heartbreak, this mocha-scented body scrub highlights its most tragic lyric: the prospect of running out of coffee. Just remember to turn the faucet off when you rinse. Unlike Harry, your house insurance doesn’t cover ballad-induced flooding.
  1. Two Ghosts Bath Salts: No longer feel like the old you, but more like a haunting presence with dark circles where your eyes used to be? You are not alone; you’re  a parent now. Take some much needed time-out and sink into a warm tub filled with these moisturizing salts. You’ll feel nearly as relaxed (though probably less aroused) than the time you listened to Harry’s sleep story on the Calm app. 
  1. Treat People With Kindness (Especially Yourself) Luxury Body Butter: Perfect for  the end of another long, hard day. There’s a reason it’s called self-care. Face it, nobody else is going to do it. 

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