Corporate Slogans Updated For Late Stage Capitalism

Photo by Oleg Magni on

On July 14, 2021, DiGiorno tweeted, “Give us a new slogan.” We have some ideas for other brands.

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she’s manifesting her anxiety about environmental disaster through controlling her outward appearance.

America runs on workers who need coffee to manage three different side hustles. 

Like a good neighbor, State Farm is subposting racist comments about you on NextDoor.

Snap! Crackle! Pop! The fabric of our society, ripping apart at the seams.

When you’re here, you’re family. Unless you have or want a family. In which case, we’ll replace you with someone less selfish. 

They’re magically delicious. You’ll never know what chemicals we included, because the government doesn’t make us tell you.

Can you hear me now? Or am I screaming into a social media void of political opinions that confirm my predisposed bias?

It keeps going and going…like burned out workers without adequate leave policies.
Obey your thirst like our minority-rule authoritarian overlords.

Melts in your mouth, not in your hands. Like the ice caps, melting away into nothingness, swallowing our land whole.

Because you’re worth it, so long as you equate your worth with material goods.

Pure Michigan. Except Flint.

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