Hurry, hurry, hurry! Get your tickets to the most spine-tingling show this side of the 405!
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, thrill-seekers and complacents! This Friday, I will be attempting the most dangerous, most brutal, most terrifying stunt ever known to man! I, an ordinary person, just trying to commute to work, will defy the laws of physics and do the impossible: ride my electric scooter through downtown Los Angeles!
If I make one minuscule miscalculation during any part of this high-speed adventure, then holy toledo! I could potentially face something no woman or man should ever have to face: losing self-respect for riding a Lime scooter with ribbons that I attached to the handles!
Come and be baffled as I ride over treacherous cracks and down perilous, slight inclines at a death-defying, irresponsible 5 miles per hour — without falling off or getting a single icky boo-boo!! Watch in amazement as I maintain my balance and composure while I get in a very nearly hazardous disagreement with a bicyclist who screams a foreboding, “come on pal!”
Oooo and ahhhh as I ride with trash blowing in my face, scarcely blocking my view. If I can’t clear my sightline, I am in danger of something very grave: getting super annoyed and almost losing my temper.
Take heed! This show is not for the squeamish or faint of heart. Leave the kiddos at home because my insane tour de force includes me making eye contact with strangers and not flinching as they retort, “What? Why are you staring at me?”
If you haven’t blown a gasket yet, hold onto your applesauce because I’ll be premiering a never before seen move that is five years in the making: for the first time ever, while streaming live on TikTok, I’ll swing by the Urth Caffe to pick up my Soy Latte, ride with it in one hand, and risk… slightly scalding myself.
Gape wide and drool in wonderment as I continue while high schoolers shout a menacing, “Nice ribbons,” bringing me to the brink of tears! Tears which will make this stunt even more terrifying, for I could arrive at my destination… a bit dehydrated.
Just when you think I’m safe, there will be random puddles! Right there in the middle of the street!! Will I have time to go around it? Or will I dare to cross, tempting the sinister splishes and splashes that threaten to permanently stain my dry-clean-only chinos! And even more terrifying is the knowledge that I have no backup pants!
You don’t want to miss this once-in-a-lifetime event folks! I might never be able to duplicate it again! I’m talking about high-risk stunts! Like going down an alley that would be spooky if it were dark. But it isn’t just any alley, oh no! This alley is only a short three and a half blocks away from the scary Cecil Hotel, once known as the “murder hotel.” I must ride quickly, lest I be murdered myself! Although now I hear it’s under better management and doing much better overall. Ooooooooo! Petrifying!
But, wait there’s more! How can there be more you ask? Well, shut up a minute and I’ll tell ya. An ornery grandpa in his three-wheel mobility scooter will challenge me to a street race. Will I beat him and make the light before it turns yellow? Or will I be forced to slowly ease into a stop, adding what feels like forever, a whole gosh darn minute, onto my commute!
And if that doesn’t get your heart racing, then you better check your pulse because you might be dead! Dead, I say!
For the few brave strong souls who survive, feast your eyes upon a banquet of pure nightmares as I ride by a complacent dog, that is off its leash and might run at me at any second, forcing me to do the unthinkable: stop and pet him, which will make me (gulp) even later to work!
All these amazing stunts you will see today with your dumb, untrained eyes may seem like I’m zig-zagging because I’m incapable of driving my scooter straight, but I’m actually dodging the numerous dreams Hollywood has crushed and left in the street.
Will I be a victorious Olympian, arriving at work, only 5 minutes late, and with only one tiny spot of mud unnoticeable to those not looking?
I tell ya folks, this is only something you can see to believe. And ironically, once you see it your eyes will pop out of your skull in shock, leaving you not able to see anything ever again!
Hurry hurry hurry! Get your tickets now and you’ll get free admission to the grand finale, watching me, Martha from Accounting, attempt to battle a foreboding pile of papers waiting to be collated and emerge with no more than twenty-five papercuts.
Disclaimer: Do not try scooter stunts without professional supervision. Users may swallow gnats, develop an innate death wish, and potentially lose $99.99 on a yearly Lime scooter membership or $4.99 for a daily rental.