Ooga’s Beauty Secrets

Hey, Females, it’s Ooga back this time with beauty tips for the busy Stone Age cavewife. Sure you’ve got a fire to tend, bugs to cook, spawn to herd, and that big lug of a troglodyte you call your mate to deal with, but every gal needs time for herself. Just a few minutes a week will pay off big in improved looks and mood!

First and foremost is your complexion. Is it filthy, splattered with blood, rough and lizard-like? Fear not! Begin to create the New You with a simple treatment with a substance you deal with daily: mud! Riverbank, pond, bog, wherever you get it, mud is a natural exfoliant and pore cleanser. Make sure it’s a gooey, slimy consistency as you slather it on and massage your face. Extra attention on that large, furrowed forehead, please, ma’am! Let the mud set while you either rest with your feet on a stump higher than your head to improve circulation, or while you drag wood home for the fire, sweep the dried offal out of the cave, or play T-Rex chase with the little fruits of your innards. Rinse your face in what passes for clean water at your place and voila! Enjoy that satiny glow!

Next, let’s focus on those furry eyebrows. For this you will definitely need a beauty partner! How fun to have some gal talk while you groom each other! You can singe those wooly worms with a smoking stick or pluck them with fingers, but you need to thin them out, gals, and work up a sexy arch. You will find your face so less simian with attention to this detail. If your brows are pale, charcoal them up! And while you have that cold charred stick in hand, ring your eyes like those lemur creatures. Drama will always lure your neanderthal lover closer.   

Blah skin? Ugly chapped lips? No problem. With two rocks, squash those non-poisonous berries (learned that the hard way, didn’t we all?) into a juice, water it down, and apply it to your cheeks and lips. Triceratops fat mixed in will make it a real luxury item, adding moisture and a glistening sheen to your radiance!

For goodness’ sake, gals, shake out your pelt-tog often. You never see any gore or grime on Wilma and Betty, do you? Next, try tying an attractive vine or blade of swamp grass to cinch that teeny waist or, even better, around your hair which you’ve rinsed and raked off your face. A “palm tree” tied at the very crown of your head is the go-to look now. Adorn with a flower or weed for gatherings at the communal rock. Forget the bones, shells, and small dead reptiles you used to use to decorate your coif. So Paleocenic! It’s all flower power nowadays!

That’s all it takes, ladies! Clean and stylin’, you’ll be the hit of the tribe, totally en vogue and ready to face another week of grueling, uncomfortable life in your cave, sweet cave. And always remember: confidence is the best beauty secret of all! Stand up as straight as your short legs and curved spine will allow and smile! Until next time, this is Ooga reminding you that you rock!

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