No Bullshit Bedtime Stories To Prepare Little Girls For The Real World

Cinderella: A young woman forced to work at home lives in a studio with a mouse infestation. No one listens to her when she talks even though she’s nice to mean people and works overtime for free. Everyone only likes her once she finds a rich boyfriend. She can easily fit into shoes but finding a dress that fits takes a day. Her friends are either animals or older ladies because women her age are exhausting. 

The Little Mermaid: A girl quits hanging out with her cool friends and swimming all day long so she can try to date a guy who doesn’t know her name. She gives up everything that makes her unique so she can change her entire life for a guy with a beach house.

The Giving Tree: A nice lady tries to help out a boy, but he just takes and takes from her. She lets him gather her leaves, eat her apples, sleep in her shade, and climb her trunk. However, as time passes by, he stops visiting as often, doesn’t want to climb her anymore, yet still has the audacity to take her apples, then go off and marry some other girl whose trunk he is climbing. The lady does everything for this stupid boy and he only appreciates her once they’re both old, wrinkled, and he’s bored.

Winnie The Pooh: A bear wears only a t-shirt with no pants, eats spreads straight out of the jar, gets to live alone, and only bothers to maintain five friendships. This bear has a nice simple life and doesn’t have to go to baby showers or birthday parties or work happy hours. He just eats honey in his pajamas, hangs out in his room, and sometimes chills with a few, nice friends.

Llama Llama, Red Pajama: A single mom does everything and can’t find one second alone without her kid whining. She can’t even clean his dirty dishes without him asking her for things. Apart from being whiny, her child learns that falling asleep on the first try is impossibleDrinking more water will just keep you awake for longer and it will take at least three tries, two mental breakdowns, a budding lifelong fear of abandonment, and one crying spell before one can remotely drift off into any form of slumber.

The Very Hungry Caterpillar: A young caterpillar is so hungry and keeps eating fruit to try and be healthy but is never full. The caterpillar eats apples and pears and plums and is still hungry because fruit isn’t filling. The caterpillar then tries eating 4 strawberries as if that’s going to do anything, and surprise, he’s still hungry because of course he is. After 5 oranges, he finally snaps and eats cake, ice cream, cheese, cupcakes, and sausage then feels too full. He learns that dieting doesn’t work, it only leads to binge eating and sadness.

Madeline: A girl with no parents to deal with lives in Paris and her best friend is a dog. She wears cute peacoats and eats bread every day. She does not hang out with any boys. Instead, she spends all of her time with her female teacher, her female classmates, and her female dog. She has no family to stress her out, plenty of snacks, and easygoing best friends. Madeline has it figured out.

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