by Leah Abrams and Sarah Gruen

“Effective Oct. 1, 2021, ‘OnlyFans will prohibit the posting of any content containing sexually explicit conduct…. to comply with the requests of our banking partners and payout providers.’”

Variety, August 19, 2021

Sex! Okay, now that I have your attention: I regret to inform you that, due to compelling requests from our financial partners regarding the safety of our platform, OnlyFans is starting a-nude—excuse me, anew.

You may think of us as a groundbreaking platform that empowers sex workers to take control of their own work schedules, office environments, and income streams—but now that I, the Chief Everything Officer of OnlyFans, have become extremely wealthy, I think we can all agree that’s gross. When not financially convenient for me, sex is a shameful and disturbing act—and it’s time we get it off of our platform.

That’s why I’m proud to share that, effective October 1, 2021, we’re going squeaky clean. No more porn, no more foot pics, no more furry-play. Just good old-fashioned, biblically-approved internet fun. Here’s the type of content you can expect from us from here on out:

• Jeff Bezos performing TLC’s “No Scrubs” in a K-Town karaoke booth.
  
• Non-sexual Peppa Pig cosplay with live scene reenactments. Daddy pig is very angry with Peppa, but in a completely platonic and not at all kinky way.
  
• A babycam monitor feed of your grandma knitting scarves for the local school children. No! Nana! Don’t take off your shoes!
  
• A 3 hour natural hair step-by-step tutorial from OnlyFans’ favorite activist, Rachel Dolezal.
  
• Diet Coke and Mentos VOLCANO live-stream.
  
• Improv Everywhere’s Pantless Subway Ride, but only shot from the chest up.
  
• Some frat guy from your college doing whippets and providing live commentary on Pulp Fiction. Don’t ask him to do the Uma Thurman voice in the comments—too tempting!
  
• Great British Bake Off, minus the innuendos. Any cream horn demos will be immediately removed from the platform!
  
• Bob Ross instructional painting videos, where you can follow along as licensed professionals teach you how to capture America’s treasured National Park landscapes in verdant acrylics and oils. Painting supplies not included.
  
• Photos of Megan Fox in a tankini.
  
• ASMR. That is, “Abraham and Sarah’s Marriage Rules,” a fun tutorial on how to abstain from sex until you’ve turned 89.
  
• Shaky bootleg of George Washington Carver Middle School’s production of “Seussical the Musical.”
  
• Audio content of Gilbert Gotfried reading “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban” to help you drift off to sleep.*
  
• Live footage of your boss laying on off colleagues.
  
• 17-year old kid named Myles showing off his coolest vape tricks in the back of his AP U.S. History class. For an extra $10, Ms. Williams will teach the entire class how to do a French inhale, in honor of the Louisiana Purchase unit.
• A 24-hour bid-day stream of the girls from Chi O celebrating the “BDPC.” Paid subscribers also gain access to a Zoom Bible Reading Group led by McKinsley from Alpha Delta Pi.

• Two girls one—PSYCH! YOU JUST GOT RICKROLLED! That’s right, we have those too.

• Step-brother comes home from college to teach you trigonometry. This series is produced in collaboration with Khan Academy.

• Cameo from one of Monica’s love interests from Friends (not Chandler).

• The same cat videos you find on YouTube, but this time, on OnlyFans! For an additional fee, your favorite kitty will chase a laser toy controlled by Caroline Calloway in a turtleneck.

*Update: Too many users found this content sexually arousing, so we have chosen to remove it from the platform. Please accept our sincerest apologies to all of our banking partners and payout providers.