Joyce went to the witch who dispensed advice and more potent things at four o’clock on a damp Wednesday. She told her that now Nigel and herself were empty-nesters she sometimes wanted to have sex on the kitchen table, but Nigel seemed more interested in petting Blackie the cat than her. Joyce had tried to seduce him by purring, “Peel me like a tin of sardines and swallow me slowly,” stuffed into her best lingerie, but Nigel had just picked up Blackie and sat her on his lap like a shield. He continued to stroke the black Persian lovingly as he sighed and asked Joyce if she needed to see a doctor about her menopause symptoms!

On Thursday, watching Nigel open a tin of cat food, Joyce licks her lips and purrs as Nigel tickles her tummy; she wonders if he’ll notice that something is wrong just as Blackie dressed in high heels and an apron drops a dead bird on the kitchen table.