Fictional Contenders To Host “Jeopardy”

Jay Gatsby:  He’s handsome, charming, well-dressed, glib.  Well, maybe too glib.  Bit of a con man, actually. Throws great parties, though.  But what the hell does that have to do with hosting Jeopardy?  Well, nobody’s perfect.

Cyrano de Bergerac:  Talk about positive attributes.  Cyrano is a not just a nobleman, but a man of many talents, most especially a gifted, joyful poet. Unfortunately, he has an obnoxiously large nose (his detractors refer to it as a schnoz), which could be a major distraction to contestants and viewers alike.

Humbert Humbert:  On the plus side, he is an intellectual, a literature professor, to be exact.  He’s middle-aged and has an air of authority about him while still exuding charm.  But since he has a history of sexually molesting 12-year-old Lolita, he would most certainly be considered a pedophile, which could be a negative to many, if not most, Jeopardy viewers.

Yossarian:  As a 28-year-old captain in the Army Air Force, he possesses a certain air of authority, which is always a plus with Jeopardy contestants and viewers alike.  But since Yossarian’s main concern is that people are trying to kill him and because of this paranoia he is constantly postponing dangerous missions, he would most likely be considered a coward.  Sadly, kind of a Catch-22 situation for an aspiring host.

Jean Brodie:  Hey, who says the host has to be a man?  Especially when you have a charismatic, idealistic teacher, in her prime (pun intended), available.  A dedicated educator whose main interest is to benefit her class (which, in the case of Jeopardy, could translate to her audience).  Her only negative seems to be that she is an ardent Fascist.  And, as evidenced by World War 2, Americans don’t seem to like Fascists. 

Alexander Portnoy:  A lust-ridden, mother-addicted, young Jewish bachelor whose extreme libidinal urges force him to seek release in various creative, degrading acts of eroticism, primarily masturbation, he seems to have no positive attributes that would qualify him as the host of Jeopardy.  Only the fact that he is undergoing psychoanalysis could possibly explain his pointless participation.

Sherlock Holmes:  Known for his proficiency with observation, deduction, forensic science, and logical reasoning (not to mention his sartorial splendor), he seems the perfect person to host a show devoted to erudition. However, his addiction to morphine and cocaine, though legal in 19th-century England, are definitely a no-no in 20th century America.  

Jane Marple:  Why Holmes and not Jane Marple?  Indeed. Miss Marple has the uncanny ability to solve crimes because of her shrewd intelligence and a remarkable talent to latch onto a casual comment and connect it to the case at hand. With a thorough British education, she could be described as genteel, a gentlewoman, of 70-plus years.  Regrettably, in this case, that 70-plus could be a minus.

Holden Caulfield:  Unfailingly truthful and constantly railing against “phoniness,” Holden thinks of himself as the “catcher in the rye,”someone who saves children from falling off a cliff, which can be interpreted as a metaphor for entering adulthood.  Thus, he sees himself as an adult.  But since he is only 16 years of age, it is highly questionable whether Jeopardy contestants and viewers will also see him that way.

Rhett Butler:  Kind of like Gatsby, right?  Handsome, charming, yada yada yada.  Not as many negs, though.  Straight-Shooter, no bullshit.  But that mustache makes him look like a ‘70s male porn star.  Well, once again, nobody’s perfect.  So far, anyway.    

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