20 Bounties That Would Do More Good For Humanity Than The Texas Abortion Ban

“Texas Abortion Ban Turns Citizens Into ‘Bounty Hunters’: The Texas law that bans abortions after six weeks of pregnancy includes an unusual measure designed to ensure the law is enforced: Residents of the state can sue clinics, doctors, nurses and even people who drive a woman to get the procedure, for at least $10,000.” 

CBS News, 9/3/21

  1. You can sue your coworkers for $50 every time they eat a tuna sandwich in the office and $100 if they heat it up in the microwave.
  2. You can sue anyone who drives slow in the passing lane for $250 x the number of miles they hold up traffic.
  3. For $300, you can sue anyone who divulges a spoiler in a Goodreads review without typing “**SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!**” first.
  4. You can sue any guy or girl who’s dating app profile is a group picture instead of a solo shot. You’ll be reimbursed $400 x the number of minutes you spend trying to figure out which one they are.
  5. You can sue anyone with a Disney character tattoo for $800. You can also sue the tattoo parlor, the person who transported them to get the tattoo, and their friend Dan who suggested they get the tattoo in the first place. If it’s Tinker Bell, you can sue Dan twice.
  6. For $500, you can sue anyone who talks loudly on their phone in a public space. If it’s a Facetime you can sue for $750, and if they’re on speakerphone and shouting about “digital transformation” you can sue for $1,000.
  7. You can sue anyone who clips their fingernails or toenails on public transportation for $1,500 or $3,000, respectively.
  8. For $1,250 you can sue any Twitter troll who talks shit on Simone Biles. Their only defense is successfully executing a double double balance beam dismount.
  9. For $1,500, you can sue that one girl from High School who keeps trying to sell everyone LuLaRoe leggings on Facebook. If she direct messages you, you’re also entitled to a free 5-year supply of buttery soft peasant tops.
  10. You can sue anyone who plays their music too loudly on the beach or park. Financial reimbursement can range from $50 (if their music isn’t that bad and you actually kind of like it) to $2,000 (if it’s U2’s Songs of Innocence playing by accident off of their iPhone).
  11. For $2,250, you can sue anyone who texts the group chat when they’re really only talking to one person. You can also sue cellular data providers for creating group chats and early homo sapiens for creating groups.
  12. You can sue your neighbor for $800 for not picking up their dog’s poop. And you can sue your neighbor’s dog for additional emotional damages if a) if you happen to step in the poop ($1,000) or b) you happen to step in that poop, continue your morning routine without noticing, and then finally realize at 5 p.m. why all of your coworkers have been wrinkling their noses, asking to cut meetings short, and saying things like, “you smell like dog poo” all day ($3,000).
  13. You can sue any guy who mansplains ($1,000), manspreads ($2,000), or manterrupts ($3,000). Double that reward if they manage to do all three at once.
  14. You can sue anyone who starts a sentence with, “I heard on the Alex Jones Show…” for $2,000 x the number of conspiracy theories they mention in that same sentence (up to $40,000).
  15. You can sue anyone who admires Jeff Bezos for launching a penis rocket into space while exploiting hundreds of thousands of Amazon workers. Plaintiffs can be awarded up to a grand total of $351,000, reflecting the number of miles the phallus missile climbed before falling back to earth like a sad little turd.
  16. You can sue Ted Cruz’s beard for $6,000.
  17. For $7,500, you can sue anyone who hasn’t gotten the COVID-19 vaccine because clearly they don’t care about human life. Earn an extra $1,000 every time they cough or sneeze, spreading their inconsiderate germs among the vulnerable.
  18. For $15,000 you can sue anyone who owns a gun in their home — because, statistically, owning a gun in your home raises everyone in your family’s risk of dying from both homicide and suicide — or anyone who doesn’t support universal background checks (like Texas governor, Greg Abbot) — because, statistically, a lack of background checks raises the overall rate of homicides and suicides. Clearly these people also don’t care about life!
  19. You can sue any crusty old white man who thinks they have the right to mandate what a woman can and can’t do with their body for $20,000. Tack on an additional $5,000 every time they can’t answer a basic question about female reproductive health.
  20. And for $30,000 you can sue every self-righteous person or politician who invests their time and money in protecting unviable, insentient clumps of cells under the guise of pro-life, but then does nothing to support children… the poor… the sick or disabled… orphans… immigrants… or anyone actually breathing!

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