by Jane Brown
Are you carrying a little extra padding after all these lockdowns? Do you want to shed weight quickly while basking in your vast knowledge of literature trivia?
If YES, then the Lit-Fit Diet is for YOU!
This diet is super EASY and comes with a guarantee of RESULTS*.
Best of all, you can eat whatever you LIKE as long as you follow one SIMPLE rule:
One simple rule: Avoid any food or drink that has ever caused death or serious side effects for a character in a fictional story.
Examples of Foods/drinks NOT ALLOWED to be consumed on the Lit-Fit Diet:
- Apples, particularly red & shiny ones gifted by a haggard old lady.
- Mushrooms. Or anything with an “Eat me” or “Drink me” label. Should be self-explanatory, really.
- Wine poured by your uncle at a royal wedding. (For optimal health, we advise you DO NOT even attend the following weddings: red or purple.)
- Nightlock berries.
- Experimental 3-course-dinner chewing gum.
- Nuts rejected by squirrels.
- Scooby Snacks. Has been linked to increased general silliness and propensity for flight response instead of fight.
- Wafers. Particularly Soylent Green ones.
- Any meat served at an underground bunker during an apocalypse where the response to “what is this?” is a cryptic, “tastes like chicken”.
- Any food or drink at a gathering attended by all of the following persons: Professor Plum, Miss Scarlett, Mrs. White, Mrs. Peacock, Rev Green and Colonel Mustard.
- Godiva chocolate cake gifted by Patrick Bateman.
- Vesper martinis.
- Vampire blood.
- Curds and whey in high arachnid areas.
- Pies containing 24 blackbirds.
- Spinach / bananas / proton pills.
- Sweet potatoes. Particularly if you are a member of a squadron and the chef has shifty eyes.
- Anything cooked in a cauldron.
- Blue pills.
- Red pills.
- Doughnuts. Especially avoid if in an attic with flowers.
- Liniment Cakes. Particularly if made by girls called ‘Anne’ or ‘Carrots’.
- Gingerbread houses.
- Dishes cooked by rats that hold sentimental meaning e.g. Ratatouille like ‘mama used to make’.
- Lotus fruit. Often gifted by ancient civilizations to entice people to stay ‘just a little bit longer’.
And finally, of course: No food after midnight.
*Guaranteed results because literally the only things left you will be able to eat and drink are bread and water. Oh. Wait. Bread is out too… also water…