How To Lose Weight In 30 Days With The Lit-Fit Diet For Extreme Literature Enthusiasts 

 

by Jane Brown 

Are you carrying a little extra padding after all these lockdowns? Do you want to shed weight quickly while basking in your vast knowledge of literature trivia? 

If YES, then the Lit-Fit Diet is for YOU!  

This diet is super EASY and comes with a guarantee of RESULTS*.  

Best of all, you can eat whatever you LIKE as long as you follow one SIMPLE rule:  

One simple rule: Avoid any food or drink that has ever caused death or serious side effects for a character in a fictional story.  

Examples of Foods/drinks NOT ALLOWED to be consumed on the Lit-Fit Diet: 

  1. Apples, particularly red & shiny ones gifted by a haggard old lady. 
  2. Mushrooms. Or anything with an “Eat me” or “Drink me” label. Should be self-explanatory, really. 
  3. Wine poured by your uncle at a royal wedding. (For optimal health, we advise you DO NOT even attend the following weddings: red or purple.) 
  4. Nightlock berries. 
  5. Experimental 3-course-dinner chewing gum.  
  6. Nuts rejected by squirrels. 
  7. Scooby Snacks. Has been linked to increased general silliness and propensity for flight response instead of fight. 
  8. Wafers. Particularly Soylent Green ones. 
  9. Any meat served at an underground bunker during an apocalypse where the response to “what is this?” is a cryptic, “tastes like chicken”. 
  10. Any food or drink at a gathering attended by all of the following persons: Professor Plum, Miss Scarlett, Mrs. White, Mrs. Peacock, Rev Green and Colonel Mustard. 
  11. Godiva chocolate cake gifted by Patrick Bateman. 
  12. Vesper martinis. 
  13. Vampire blood. 
  14. Curds and whey in high arachnid areas. 
  15. Pies containing 24 blackbirds. 
  16. Spinach / bananas / proton pills. 
  17. Kryptonite. 
  18. Sweet potatoes. Particularly if you are a member of a squadron and the chef has shifty eyes. 
  19. Anything cooked in a cauldron. 
  20. Blue pills. 
  21. Red pills. 
  22. Doughnuts. Especially avoid if in an attic with flowers. 
  23. Liniment Cakes. Particularly if made by girls called ‘Anne’ or ‘Carrots’. 
  24. Gingerbread houses. 
  25. Dishes cooked by rats that hold sentimental meaning e.g. Ratatouille like ‘mama used to make’. 
  26. Lotus fruit. Often gifted by ancient civilizations to entice people to stay ‘just a little bit longer’. 
  27. Brains. 

And finally, of course:  No food after midnight.  

*Guaranteed results because literally the only things left you will be able to eat and drink are bread and water. Oh. Wait. Bread is out too… also water… 

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