I’ve done 150 sit-ups while wearing a tooth whitening strip, can I have a boyfriend now? Hahaha. Just kidding. I know I don’t deserve one yet!

Big hello to my fellow incels! I was looking for a community like this between getting back into running and taking a guitar in the hopes that I will be fit and interesting enough to attract male attention. I’ve only poked around for 10 or so minutes, but it seems like the posters on this involuntarily celibate board are mostly guys, which will be so, so helpful because I need a male POV. Like another one, besides my boss, my therapist, my dude friends and exes, and guys who follow me on Twitter and punch up my jokes.

Let me tell ya, fellas: We ladies are not all Stacys who have an easy time finding Chads. It’s tough—and costly!—out there for a gal like me who dyes her 12 greys every six weeks, keeps up with sports and current events, and does DuoLingo Spanish lessons while having all of her body hair laser-removed. In SoulCycle ($39 per class), they tell us to start our own revolution—to completely upset our lives in a way that serendipitously turns out perfectly because #karma. I just can’t seem to do that. I must be stupid. I’ll work harder. Through my meditation app ($145 a year), I’ve learned that I need to stop obsessing over my bullshit and instead focus on my breath, but for some reason doing that makes me breath faster and faster until I pass out and my head knocks on the hardwood floors that I just cleaned! Haha. I’m trying. A lot. And still, like all of you, who I’m sure are doing even more (like so much more and better stuff!), I have this problem.

Part of it is that I’m holding myself back. There are so many body and skin acceptance social media personalities now—they’re really getting it done for themselves and I just don’t know why I can’t be like that—why I can’t be more confident about my awful, awful body that I’ve hated since age 10?

I’m so inspired by how none of you ever seem to blame yourselves. I can’t do that. I KNOW it’s me. I’m always ruining stuff by having too many feelings or demands. I have a good job in the public health sector, that I should be so, so grateful for, and yet I asked for a raise during my last review—because Denise, my guru at SoulCycle, told me it was really weird to never get a raise over the course of eight years. I got what I asked for, but I was so embarrassed. I could tell my boss was really annoyed. I make sure to get her coffee every day now, so she doesn’t think I’m “too big for my britches” (though physically I totally am—ack, what a pig!).

I wish I could foster better relationships with men. I have terrific relationships with my family—my mom, sister Kathryn, even my dad, who wasn’t around much when I was young but who I call every week, counseling him through his latest breakups and loaning him money like all chill, adult daughters are supposed to do. He totally would have been a more present dad if he had me later, after all, look at how great he is with my toddler half-brother Skye! 

Dad and his ex Amber really wanted Skye to go to a Montessori pre-school, so I’m trying to sell some of my knitting on Etsy to make that happen. I just want to help in any way I can. I kind of ruined dad’s life in a way when I showed up when he was barely 27-years-old. I’m 30 now, and I can’t imagine having kids. I mean, I can imagine it, and do, all the time. But I probably wouldn’t be a good enough mother—I don’t even own my two-bedroom apartment, and it looks nothing like the white, grey, and beige-palette starter homes bathed in swathes of natural light I see on Instagram. The kids I volunteer-tutor weekly seem to like me and tell me they feel “heard” when I’m around. They’re probably just being nice. 

I wish I wasn’t such a loser.

I just don’t know how I haven’t gotten better. Good enough for someone to love. So, I’m here for some inspiration and guidance! I’m excited to be in a safe place where I can talk about something that’s been so embarrassing for me to face. I could never tell my friends about this. They’d hate me if they knew I wasn’t “living 100.” I usually only let myself think about it when I’m alone, crying at my reflection in a full-length mirror, nightly. I haven’t been with a guy in three years and never masturbate because I feel like if I can’t please someone else, I don’t deserve pleasure. 

Anyway, looking forward to getting some heart-felt camaraderie and giving it too! I would never just take camaraderie. I’ll work on getting to know the slang and common references made on the board. It’ll be a fun flashcard exercise like the ones I did to ace every class I took in college. I don’t know who this Elliot Rodgers guy you keep mentioning is—I mean, he can’t be the one I’m thinking of. Never mind. I’ll do a deeper Google dive. It’s totally my job and not yours to catch me up.

Thanks in advance for all of your thoughts, everyone! And I’m so sorry my first post is so long! Ugh. I’ll never do that again, I promise.