Social Media Anonymous- 24/7 Helpline

Welcome to Social Media Anonymous (SMA). Currently our representatives are updating our handles on Twitter, Instagram, Clubhouse and Facebook, after the severe outage, and will be available for you shortly. Your time is highly valued, so please continue being online.  

Press 1 In case you are facing a loss of self-esteem on account of the fabulous lives of others. We suggest you realize that they are all carefully crafted and staged snippets and not quite their real lives but alternatively we recommend the use of a good filter with an intelligent sounding, randomly googled quote. This might not raise your self-esteem, but you can rejoice in lowering someone else’s.

Press 4, if you feel easily outraged at every outrage and then are outraged at your own outrage, do not worry. We assure you a few startups, working overtime on apps to create your neural network and show you just the relevant outrages but they are still in beta testing stages. You can however sign up for their testing downloads by pressing *84#$23

If you live in a constant state of FOMO, press 2 to hear from Kylie Jenner or Press 5 and Justin Bieber might be on the line. Those lines are always engaged, and in all probability, you might never hear from either. But if you do, you get the incredible bragging rights to tweet or post about it, if not you have managed to keep the FOMO out and have stayed engaged on just a busy tone all this while. Pat yourself on the back for that.

 Press 6 if too many creeps are slipping you DMs. Please slip them the info about our sister concern–Social Media Creeps Anonymous. At SMCA, we also provide group discounts and a limited addition slur kit. As for your concerns, you can block them.

Are you suffering from Social Farsightedness? That is, you blur out objects and people around you while sharing a meme with someone in Paris. In that case we suggest some practical exercises. Choose a reasonably cold day, if it’s raining even better. Walk around the local lake, being your regular self on the smartphone, even if you miss making the big splash on the water body, a deep dunk onto one of the side puddles will do the trick. After all the cleaning and drying, trust us to get your near vision back.  Alternatively, try this exercise indoors, after asking a friend to rearrange your furniture. A good stub on the toe, will go a long way to get your senses and sight back.

Press 3, if ‘likes’ and ‘retweets’ determine your mood these days. Always look at the brighter side, it’s better than the weather deciding it. Also get another account with a celebrity name but random spelling like “Paul McCartnee” . Like your own post or retweet them with this account. Get excited to read: ‘Paul McCartnee likes your post’ till  your friend Paul Tully likes it and it becomes Paul, and one other likes your post. I know, now you hate poor Polly, who has always liked your posts, but it’s okay. The truth is, he cares a damn. He likes and retweets everything as he scrolls. You should try doing that too, by which we mean, care a damn.

We know for all the above, it would be easier to delete the apps and do a social media detox or control your social media consumption by setting auto time limits. Good ole self-restraining also helps but we need to stay in business, so like,  share and subscribe on all your socials.

Thank you for your patience. We seem to have run into some issues with our human assistance. The inconvenience is highly regretted, but we assure you it is temporary till we get our AI bots in place to answer your queries.

Sorry for your troubles. It was a pleasure serving you.


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