I’m The Poor, Innocent Spider You’re About To Murder And I Think I’m Lost

I’m an outside spider living in an inside world

I know you see me running around in circles and I bet you’re wondering: should I help this spider out? She seems lost.

The answer is: yes, yes you should. See, I don’t know exactly how I got here, but maybe you could help me? I think I made a wrong turn at that tastefully lit area where you slaughter food, but I could have sworn my web was there.

Hello? Hi? I can see you looking at me, but I’m unsure why you look so anxious. Are you terrified? I’m the one who’s lost!

Okay, okay, that wasn’t helpful, I’m sorry. I must look terrifying because I look so deranged and panicked, but seriously, if you could just point me in the right direction, that would be great because I think I’ve seen this same bump three times.

Who’s this fucking average house fly? And why is he holding that weird glove with intense cleats on it? I thought you two-legged weirdos wore those on your feet, not your hands. Oh my web, is he going to kill me? Oh, hell no. I know you can’t reach me if I’m up here, ha ha! Yeah, give up. I ain’t getting close enough for death. I’VE GOTTEN THIS FAR AND I’M NOT GOING QUIETLY.

Oh, he’s leaving, thank god. But you look super mad. Is it my appearance? I know I’m not the best looking, or frankly the cleanest, but I’m doing my best. I would have showered, but I’ve been lost for three days, and looking fresh to death hasn’t been my top priority. Maybe you could cut me some slack and instead of watching me struggle, maybe, just MAYBE, help me the FUCK OUT?!?

I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Blind anger isn’t productive here, but I’m just so tired and hungry, okay? What I would give for an ant or a fruit fly right about now. Or even a measly flea! I would stoop low and hard for a flea right now and they’re not even that good! To be honest, they’re abysmal. Ants are okay. They’re mid-range, but fruit flies? Fruit flies are kind of garbage. Their quality ranges from “meh” to “why am I eating this?” Frankly, they’re the gas station food of the arachnid world, but I would still take it!

I would even take a hit of that weird, beige paste you’re eating. It smells spicy, and I probably wouldn’t like it, but I’m so hungry. And thirsty. I need to drain some serious bugs right now. I could really lay into some mosquitos right now. Oh man, that blood would be so gooooodddddd. Have you ever had mosquito blood? My guess is you haven’t since you seem to like alien food.

Wait, is this the large wooden gateway I’ve heard so much about? Oh my god, am I free!? Oh mysterious portal, I bow down to your greatness. Please, let me through your hallowed halls into freedom. Your wish is my command, I’ll give you whatever you want! I’ll even give you the most precious item to ever exist: my own spider’s silk. Straight from the source, pure and strong. Think of all the silk sheets you could make! Oh, please, help this lowly spider be on her way…

No, no, no, no, why are you closing the gateway? No, please! Oh, I just want to find my way!

Wait, what’s that? You’re telling me I can leave? OH MY GOD, THERE’S A SPACE UNDERNEATH THE GATEWAY.


See you on the other side motherfuckers! I’m outta here!

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