Horror Movies Remade For Foodies

by Leigh Lewis

A Diet Place

o   A mother and father, both keto chefs, struggle to survive while raising their children in a post-apocalyptic world inhabited by killer monsters who come alive at the first whiff of foods containing fat, even if it’s unsaturated. 

The Potatoes Have Eyes

o   A couple of investors buy a potato farm, unaware that they’ve ended up stuck with a site where, decades earlier, nuclear tests gave rise to an entire crop of potatoes with eyes. Actual human eyes. The investors go bankrupt and are forced to eat said potatoes.

Baby’s Rosemary

o   A woman unknowingly carries and births the devil’s child. The real horror starts when the baby refuses to eat anything—even milk—unless it’s seasoned with rosemary, too much of which leads to vomiting, uterine bleeding, kidney irritation, increased sun sensitivity, skin redness, and allergic reactions.  

The Texas Bear Claw Massacre

o   When a woman hears that the local bakery will open in the middle of the night to sell their freshly-baked, world-famous bear claws, she sets her alarm. But the bakery sells out by 3 a.m. The yummy smells have awakened the crazed, murderous outcasts living next door, and Leatherface (the chainsaw-wielding maniac who wears a mask of human skin) murders everyone who was able to score a delicious pastry. 

Get Trout

o   A vegetarian man and his vegan girlfriend go away over Halloween weekend to meet her family at their cabin. Even though trout season officially ended October 15, her parents spend the weekend catching fish after fish. His girlfriend acts like she’s appalled, but when he catches her nibbling on some trout amandine and trying to surreptitiously slip bits of a pan-seared fillet into his spaghetti marinara, he realizes all is not what it seems. 

The Night of the Living Bread 

o   A group of people in Pennsylvania barricade themselves in an old farmhouse to escape the sourdough starter that won’t stop rising.

grIT

o   Seven children in Derry, Maine, are terrorized at a birthday party by the eponymous being, a clown/balloonist/chef who serves birthday cake laden with sand.

Whatever Happened to Baby Grain?

o   When an aging former actress with celiac disease holds her ex-movie star sister, who has paraplegia, captive in an old Hollywood mansion, the sister gets revenge by secretly sprinkling just a smidge of wheat, rye, barley, spelt, couscous, teff, triticale, einkhorn, or farina into every one of her captor’s meals. 

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