Dear Staff,

It’s the spookiest day of the year and I can’t wait to give you the actual anxiety induced scaries by letting you know that there is a mandatory Halloween party during lunch today. A very generous donor has anonymously given us $25 to Run Wild, which is the theme chosen by our events committee chair who saw this naming task as a priority to solidifying our silent auction items for our upcoming gala. I know it’s late notice as you are currently sitting at your desk and opening this email on Halloween morning, but I can’t wait to see what costumes you come up with in the next hour. Just one note on costumes, please do not use any of the toilet paper from the bathroom restock cabinet unless you want to BYOTP for the remainder of the year or volunteer to purchase and install a bidet for all staff use. As an arts organization, I expect you to be both scrappy and highly organized and know you can Run Wild with creativity and make those paper clips and post it notes really morph into a work of art itself. Besides, I’m the judge and the first place costume gets to leave this party 10 minutes early!

Have I got a lineup of creepy crawling team building activities for you. At noon we will all carpool to the local high school track and divide into groups for our very own Amaizing Race, a 400-meter relay with a festive corn on the cob I saved from my dinner last night as the passing baton. We will then gather on the grass in a semicircle, hold hands, and jump in the air on the count of three so I can snap a photo for our social media pages with the caption “Halfway there, will you help us reach our year-end fundraising goal?” 

We will then head back to the office and up into the attic for some haunted house fun of organizing and labeling all the items we have hoarded this year. To set a more frightening tone, the last time I was up there, I saw 3 non-working printers, 20 boxes of branded t-shirts we did not sell at our 5K Fun Run, and a broken mop bucket we are using as a storage bin for empty ink cartridges we apparently get a discount for if we mail back to Staples. Speaking of, how does this stuff even get up here? Perhaps we have our very own lurking ghost just dying to communicate how much we need a facilities manager. 

Our final party horror will get those heart rates pumping since I will be announcing our new health plan options which are BOO! catastrophic coverage that will eerily never allow you to reach your deductible. If you’ve felt a wave of emotions during the party, I’ve done my job to get you in the spirit. But don’t worry, I spent the $25 dollar budget on a single sage bundle thinking we could smudge the office to clear any lingering germs and toxic work habits that might give us the flu this winter. 

FYI, there will be no food or beverage at the party and if you want water, you need to change the water cooler jug yourself because I threw out my back and it’s just too heavy for me to lift. Feel free to continue to channel our theme after and Run Wild to the break room, grab your leftovers, and eat at your desk while you catch up on the work I forced you to avoid. 

With gratitude,
The Founder/ Artistic Director