Transcript Of An Experiment In Which Kevin Says “Candyman” Multiple Times

Candyman x 1

Nothing happens.

Candyman x 2

Nothing happens.

Candyman x 3

Candyman appears.

Candyman: I MUST SHED INNOCENT BLOOD.

Kevin: I only said ‘Candyman’ three times. You shouldn’t-

Candyman: Well, no, you said it once, then you said it twice, then you said it three times. So that’s five times in total.

Kevin: Six.

Candyman: I appeared on the fifth time you said.

Kevin: You didn’t.

Candyman: I did. You were just really quick saying it the sixth time.

Kevin: Alright.

Kevin: Okay, I don’t need anything. You can-

Candyman: Fine.

Candyman disappears.

Candyman x 4

Candyman appears.

Kevin: That was four times.

Candyman: Carry over one from before.

Kevin: Oh right.

Candyman: Can I-?

Kevin: Sure.

Candyman disappears.

Candyman x 5

Candyman appears.

Candyman: What?

Kevin: Nothing. No. That was–five times and you appeared. Just like the legend.

Candyman: I know. Say Candyman five times and poof, I appear. I actually appear to cause murder and mayhem if you remember.

Kevin: Okay. That’s fine. I’m just trying- It doesn’t matter. No need for murder and mayhem. Thanks for your help.

Candyman disappears.

Candyman x 6

Candyman appears.

Candyman: Look, I’m trying to read here.

Kevin: Sorry. I’m just trying an experiment to see what happens when you say Candyman multiple times.

Candyman: I appear and impale you with my hook and then get my bees to eat you.

Kevin: What?

Candyman: Nah, I’m just kidding. Well, look, you know the legend, if you say Candyman fives times then I appear – murder, mayhem, the whole deal.

Kevin: Yeah, but I just said it six times and you appeared.

Candyman: Huh. So, say Candyman five or six times and I appear. I mean, it’s interesting I suppose but-

Kevin: Do you feel any different?

Candyman: No- hang on, no, yes I do. My back doesn’t hurt, my hook is a bit shinier-

Kevin: So, you’re a superior version of Candyman.

Candyman: Thank you very much, you’re not so bad yourself.

Kevin: Well, that’s interesting. Want to try and see what happens when I say Candyman seven times?

Candyman: Go for it.

Candyman disappears.

Candyman x 7

Candyman appears.

Kevin: You’re taller.

Candyman: So, the more times you say Candyman, the more impressive the Candyman. Do eight.

Candyman disappears.

Candyman x 8

Candyman appears.

Candyman: Wait.

Candyman takes his contact lenses out.

Candyman: Don’t need contacts. This is great. Do ten. Let’s see what twice as impressive a Candyman looks like.

Candyman disappears.

Candyman x 10

Two Candymen appear.

2nd Candyman: I MUST SHED INNOCENT BLOOD!

Kevin: Woah.

1st Candyman: No, chill. Chill, it’s just an experiment.

2nd Candyman: An experiment?

1st Candyman: We’re seeing what happens when you say Candyman multiple times.

Kevin: Two Candymen.

1st Candyman/2nd Candyman: Cool.

Kevin: So, if you say Candyman ten times, two Candymen appear. We’ve got to try fifteen times.

Candymen disappear.

Candymen x 15

Three Candymen appear.

3rd Candyman: I MUST SHED INNOCENT BLOOD.

2nd Candyman: That’s what she said.

1st Candyman: No, we’re not doing the blood thing. Did you know that if you say Candyman in multiples of five then more than one Candyman appears?

3rd Candyman: Shut up! Really? So, you said it, what, fifteen times?

Kevin: Yeah, and now there’s three of you. If I said it a hundred times, there’d be twenty of you. Think of all the good we can do.

Candymen: *General protest*

1st Candyman: I’m sorry. We’re Candymen. Murder, mayhem. Shedding innocent blood. We’re evil.

Kevin: Yeah, are you though?

2nd Candyman: I think so. We terrorised the people of Calibri Green.

Kevin: Yeah, but you were pretty badly wronged.

3rd Candyman: You’re telling me.

Kevin: So, really, are you evil, or mad, or driven by pain and revenge to seek justice?

2nd Candyman: It is pretty unclear.

Kevin: I’ve always thought so.

1st Candyman: Aren’t we just different take on Freddie Kruger or Michael Myers?

3rd Candyman: I’ll be honest, I’ve always seen us as more of a Darth Vader. A flawed but good man driven to great evil by circumstance.

2nd Candyman: I never watched the prequels.

Kevin: So, look, there’s three of you, with your great supernatural power. Why don’t you try and help people?

1st Candyman: Could do, I suppose.

3rd Candyman: We could get the bees to make honey.

2nd Candyman: What about the hook? Could we do some nice embroidery.

3rd Candyman: Lovely.

1st Candyman: Hang on. Sewing and beekeeping? I MUST SHED INNOCENT BLOOD!

2nd Candyman/3rd Candyman: YEAH!

Kevin: Wait.

2nd Candyman: Start with that one.

1st Candyman: Yeah! Interrupting me when I was reading.

The Candymen murder and eviscerate Kevin.

3rd Candyman: Right. Calibri Green?

1st Candyman: Hey, we could split the Uber fare.

2nd Candyman: Wow, three Candymen are *so* much better than one

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