1) When you realize you are out of bread, milk, cereal, and bananas, you:
a) immediately make a list and check your schedule for a time to shop today!
b) spend fifteen minutes looking for a piece of scrap paper, end up getting a junk mail envelope to write on from the recycling bin, find a pen, and then somehow get sucked into watching a whole “Gilligan’s Island,” never making a list.
c) are relieved that there won’t be a lot of rotten food for them to deal with when they finally find you.
2) At times when you think about climate change you wish:
a) there was something substantial and long-term you could do to help!
b) the guilt you feel about your part in the over use of fossil fuels and your addiction to water from New Zealand would stop eating you up alive.
c) the apocalypse would come NOW and end this nightmarish existence for us all.
3. At happy events like weddings and birthdays, you:
a) share in the instant de joie and wish all humankind peace, harmony, and contentment.
b) weep a little from excess of feeling and join in the festivities savoring a tinge of the bittersweetness of the human condition.
c) lock yourself in a bathroom with a purloined bottle of gin, turn out the lights, and contemplate moving to another country or planet.
4) When people accuse you unjustly of unpleasant things you have not said or done, you:
a) speak calmly to your accusers and try to hash out the actual situation with gentle aplomb and diplomacy.
b) are not afraid to raise your voice a bit and defend yourself with cogent facts, honest feelings, and the true story as you know and lived it.
c) turn off your phone, take one too many Ambien, and sleep the rest of the day.
5) However many times you see it, the sight of a YouTube video of _________ always makes you smile.
a) a cat riding a Roomba
b) a middle aged man crashing into a fence or speeding into a pond on his homemade La-Z-Boy riding lawnmower
c) the final scene of “Thelma & Louise”
6) You always look forward to:
a) your birthday!
b) someone else’s birthday.
c) the day after your damned birthday.
7) Your favorite thing to eat is:
a) a toss-up: gorgeous wedding cake at an elaborate reception, or hot croissants and raspberry jam with bowls of cafe au lait at dawn overlooking the Seine with the one you adore.
b) an entire box of Frosted Flakes and banana while watching sad, b&w Ingrid Bergman movies with your BFF.
c) a piece of unbuttered toast left out on the counter by mistake all day and a fifth of Cointreau.
8) When you look ahead In your life you imagine:
a) adorable grandchildren, fabulous travels to beautiful and exotic places with the one you adore, and much, much laughter.
b) a comfortable enough home, mostly contentment with what you have done with and to yourself, and a partner you enjoy almost all the time.
c) rehab center, dusk through dingy drapes, and a final release.
9) When you look back on your early life you mainly recall:
a) dear if exasperating siblings, your first bicycle with Dad running along side you, and the poignant ups and downs of high school.
b) Christmas Eves at grandma’s house, the time your older brother didn’t rat you out in high school, and your first kiss in tenth grade after the Spring Fling.
c) a father who let you get away with murder from lack of interest, a mother who doted on your sibs who in turn ignored you, the drudgery and disappointments of high school, the death of your dog, Coward.
10) The best time of your life:
a) is yet to be!
b) was college and/or your first marriage.
c) a cold, murky future that cannot end soon enough.
SCORING: For each answer, a) = 2 points, b) = 1 point, c) = 0.
12-20: On occasion you are overly-optimistic, a little difficult to be around, and deluded, but your sunny outlook can only serve you well in life!
6-12: You would do well to seek help in some form, either through counseling, medication, self-examination, or yoga. You do exhibit a level headedness that will keep your life mainly on an even keel.
0-6: Eliminate all alcohol, recreational drugs, sharp objects, and firearms from your environment today. Do not hesitate to dial 911 for assistance at any time.
Next month: Are you fastidious or OCD?