Let’s get started, team. Today I, the male lead designer for Patriarchy Inc.’s global women’s clothing division, will be presenting on my decision not to put real pockets on women’s pants. Jenny, the only woman in this meeting, will be taking notes. Thanks, doll!

Problem: Women’s pockets are a threat to Patriarchy Inc.’s success.

Why? They make women happy—too happy. And the fact that women could find joy in something other than marrying, bearing our children, and picking up our dirty underwear off the floor every day is alarming. For example, remember when we put pockets on dresses? Women went nuts! Even Jenny here is wearing a dress with pockets. Don’t be shy, Jenny—give us a twirl!

Market research: Problematic forecasted contents of women’s pockets

As evidence of this problem, I’ve compiled a list of everything women would carry if they had pants pockets. This ethically collected, completely unbiased data show that putting pockets on women’s pants is an objectively terrible idea, according to me.

• Wallet: They could spend money however they want without their boyfriends or husbands knowing. Sneaky!
• Keys: It’ll be easier for them to drive their cars, and thorough research from various men’s rights subreddits shows that women suck at driving—so this is really a safety issue.
• Phone: Even if women could carry their phones in their pockets everywhere they went, they still wouldn’t text you back. On an unrelated note, don’t ask me how my date with Stephanie went. She’s a bitch.
• Tampons: Gross.
• Food: Why give them the temptation to stuff Oreos and beef jerky down their pockets? That’ll just make it harder to stay thin for us. We’re doing them a favor. 

Jenny, are you taking notes or getting distracted by your pockets? See—chaos already!

And yes, I really mean no pockets. Remember that all women’s pants are required by Patriarchy Inc. to be smooth, form-fitting, and tight enough to cut off circulation from the waist down. If we added pockets, the things women would carry would create weird shapes sticking out of their hips and butts—a huge turn-off for men.

Solutions + Implementation: No pockets, fake pockets, tiny pockets

Let’s start with an example. You know men’s skinny jeans? The ones with pockets big enough to hold seventeen iPads at once? We’ll use this exact design for women’s skinny jeans, but lose the pockets. And make them twice as expensive.

To be clear, there will be some exceptions to the “no pockets” rule—let me explain. First, we’ll put fake pockets on some pants just to mess with women, because it’ll be hilarious—like the time I told Jenny she was getting a raise, then yelled “GOTCHA!” Second, we’ll add pockets to other pants, but make them so tiny that it’s impossible to fit anything larger than a single atom. (Or Jenny’s salary—ha!) When we showed this to the women in the focus groups, they all got up and left, clearly unable to handle this work of genius. Don’t give me that look, Jenny—it’s true!

Potential obstacles: Men’s stuff and bra pockets

Now, there are a few minor issues with this plan, but nothing too serious. First, if women’s male companions need stuff carried, there’s no way in hell we’re holding our things in our own airplane hangar-sized pockets. But this is good—because if women don’t have pockets to carry our used jockstraps and equally used Playboy centerfolds, they’ll be forced to buy purses. Plus matching shoes, scarves, and other crap (we convinced them) they need. Cha-ching! Problem solved.

Second, if women don’t have actual pants pockets, they’ll stick stuff in their bras. That’s a problem, because they’re essentially creating their own pockets—and soon they’ll realize that they don’t actually need the male-dominated fashion industrial complex dictating whether they get clothing pockets or not! That they don’t need men telling them what to do, or that they need men at all! And they’ll never have sex with us again, so they’ll never reproduce, and we’ll never get to indoctrinate—er, teach—their children to carry on Patriarchy Inc.’s noble legacy!

Whew. Anyway, doesn’t matter. Because I’ve stared at a lot of women’s chests (for research, of course), and the stuff they put in their bras always falls out. Take Jenny’s chest, for example—Oh, stop screeching, Jenny. What do you mean, you “quit”? You can’t quit. Where are you going? Get us more coffee, will you? And get your hands out of your damn pockets!

Resolution: No real pockets for women’s pants. No exceptions. Got it? Good.

Now onto the next agenda item: women’s clothing sizes. How do you guys feel about making a size 10 wildly different for every brand? While Jenny’s gone, let’s take a vote.