Wow, it’s great to see you! It’s great to see anyone. It’s been a while since I got out and had any fun because I’ve been working so hard, day and night, night and day, through breakfast, lunch and dinner (plus dessert!).
What’s that? No, I’m still unemployed, just collecting that DOL money while I sit on my ass all day, ha-ha. But you see, sitting on my ass is the best way to create space for my ass, so sitting on my ass is the most grueling work of all, actually!
Exactly what have I been working so hard at? Breaking in these new jeans!
I’ve been grinding away for about a month, three and a half weeks plus one day to be exact. That’s when they arrived in the mail, slim and stiff, with hardly any stretch at all. The first 23 times I put them on, I had to lie down on the bed and use all my upper body strength to yank those buttons together! I didn’t think I’d ever be able to get them to fit, but three and a half weeks plus one day of squatting and lunging and sitting and standing and walking (very slowly) and even biking (standing up but still, ouchie!) and I can finally button them almost vertically! Sure, I have to shimmy into them, jump several times to get the over my hips, pull them up by the belt loops, lean back, suck in and shove some of the belly fat I didn’t even know I had below each button as I button, but that process only takes about an hour and 20 minutes now!
I’m glad to hear things are going so well at the agency, and wow 16 hour days! I can’t imagine! Because I’ve been working 24 hour days. That’s right, I even sleep in these dungarees! Mostly because I’m so exhausted from all the hard work I put in all day stretching these suckers out that I can’t bear to spend the time it takes to slowly and gently (if I pull too hard, the skin comes right off!) peel them off my body before hitting the sack. Plus, I read on this blog that if you sleep in your jeans, they mold to your body better and that you should actually never take them off so what I’m saying is yes, I shower in my jeans too. I haven’t seen my vagina in weeks! (Three and a half weeks plus one day to be exact. I miss it!) If you want proof, just touch the waistband, which is double enforced and therefore retains more water than the rest of the fabric and also restricts my breathing so I have to take short, hard gasps like I’m in labor. And in a way I am–I’m laboring to break in these new jeans. You thought I was going to say I’m giving birth to these jeans, didn’t you? Ha-ha, well in a way I am, because the seam gets so far up my crotch that I sometimes need to push it back out. Speaking of, I think it’s about to puncture my cervix. Do you mind if I hold your hand and squeeze really hard?
Yes, I have been looking for a new job, or rather thinking about looking for a new job, but I’ve just been working so hard to break in these new jeans that I don’t really have the time to do anything else. Plus, when I sit down to use my computer for longer than five minutes, my jeans cut so deeply into my waist that I pass out.
Well, it’s been great catching up! This is actually my first time out of the house since I got these jeans because they weren’t broken in enough yet to wear out, and well, you know me, when I have work to do, I do the damn work!
Speaking of, duty calls! My Uber’s almost here. What’s that? No, I don’t need to be carried all the way to the car ha-ha. But since I’m already lying down, if you could just roll me out to the curb and gather up a crew to human catapult me into the backseat, I’d really appreciate it!