Sorry I was unable to deliver your WeDeliver package to you in person. As you have not registered a preferred safe location, I have taken it to the magical realm of Aestryne where I have left it in the care of the Wicked Queen Merelda and her infamous army of flying alligator warriors.

To retrieve your package, you must embark on an epic quest across the dashed and blasted plains of Karaksha, through the haunted forest of Wyldenwych, over the jagged, merciless mountains of Yarazya, and, finally, across the never-ending Laconeadian ocean to the realm of Aestryne.

To begin your quest, travel to The Hoping Bullock Inn in the village of Blackmore in the borderlands. There, ask Grunt the barkeep for the Wizard Mycadian. Please bring three valid forms of photographic identification, one of which must have been issued in the past hour. If you cannot produce valid ID, then Mycadian will be unable to assist you further.

Mycadian the Wizard will then be able to conjure a glistening portal that will open into The Maw, the vast bazaar of Karaksha. You must then seek out Old Bill. Old Bill is the only person who can guide you across the plains. Old Bill will need to see your last three years bank statements and at least two salary statements as proof of ID. Please note Old Bill will not be able to accept the same identification shown to Mycadian. There is no logical reason for this.

Before leaving The Maw, use the free wi-fi to download our WeDeliver App. You will need this to safely travel through Wyldenwych. Old Bill will then guide you for forty days across the Karaksha plains to the haunted forest of Wyldenwych. He will not venture close to the forest due to its effects on the sanity of anyone who draws too near.

Before entering the forest, open the WeDeliver App and navigate to the ‘Maps and Safe Paths’ section. Here you will find a map that will guide you through the forest. Please note that the 4G can be unreliable in Wyldenwych, so make sure that you download the map to your phone before entering. Downloading the map to your phone will incur a one-off $10 cost.

Should you survive Wyldenwych, you will emerge at the base of the mountains of Yarazya. Here you will see one of our regional hubs. This contains the entrance to a shortcut tunnel underneath the mountains. The tunnel is not available to customers, but please enjoy the view of our brand-new luxury monorail.

To negotiate the merciless mountains of Yarazya, we recommend hiring a goblin Sherpa from the nearby village of Nessing. A Sherpa will be able to guide you safely across the mountains, including negotiating the notorious Valley of Complete and Certain Death. Unfortunately, the goblin Sherpas are notorious criminals and murderers who will kill you while you sleep and rob you of all your possessions. We recommend staying awake for the duration of your expedition through Yarazya.

The Yarayza pass will bring you into the port town of Lucidia. From here you can cross the never-ending ocean of Laconeadia. This will take quite a long time. Why not use your travelling time to join our ‘WeDeliver Friends’ membership scheme. There is a $50 joining fee and, once you are approved for membership, a $10 monthly subscription charge. Once you are a WeDeliver friend, you will gain access to the ‘Friend’ area of the WeDeliver app which provides up-to-the-minute information on exactly where you are and a fun game in which you play a squirrel trying to deliver nuts to its squirrely neighbours.

After arriving in the magical realm of Aestryne, it is a simple matter of battling the flying alligator warriors and defeating the Wicked Queen Merelda. You should then be able to retrieve your package. I left it in one of the alligator warriors’ toilets for safe-keeping.

Attached is a photo of your package in a toilet.

Thank you for using WeDeliver. Once again, I apologise that I wasn’t able to deliver your package in person but as I approached your address, it looked like it might start raining and a song I like had just come on the radio.