TO: Elise Seyfried SUBJECT: CAN YOU CHIP IN $5 TO SAVE THE PLANET BY MIDNIGHT TONIGHT?

Hi, Elise! It’s Carl Sagan, back from the dead to ask you to save our very special planet, one that was featured in my best-selling book Cosmos which was also an award-winning TV series. I don’t need to tell YOU what a great place Earth is—you chose to make it your home, so you know! Well, Earth is in grave danger! But even $5 could change everything! Can you help me BEFORE MIDNIGHT tonight, which is my arbitrary deadline? Thanks so much, Elise!

Hi again, Elise! Haven’t heard from you, or gotten your credit card information, and the doomsday clock is ticking! I’ve asked my good friend Sir Isaac Newton to join me in an historic all-star mission to Save the Planet, and Isaac said yes, on ONE condition: that we hear from YOU by MIDNIGHT at the latest! If you make it a $10 donation, I bet I can convince Albert Einstein to jump on board the Save the Planet Express too! What are you waiting for?

Elise, this is getting a bit tiresome. Do I have to actually give you an accounting of what your donation will be used FOR? Where’s the trust, I ask? Oh, well, if you insist, your $5 -$10 will help ensure that we all don’t go down in flames tonight at 12:01 AM! Is that specific enough for you? All major credit cards accepted. Don’t delay!! I’ve seen your bank statement and I know you have the funds, Elise. Thanks in advance for being a good World Citizen!

DID YOU GET MY LAST THREE EMAILS, Elise? Now I’m almost as mad at you as I am panicked about imminent world destruction! How much was that pumpkin spice latte you had this morning at the Elm Street Starbucks? Never mind how I know! My point is, for the same cost as a hot cup of potpourri you can be a hero! $5.00. That’s all we’re asking! Isaac and Al send their best!

ALL right, this MAY be the final email you get on the subject of Planet Salvation, Elise. Because it’s like spitting into the wind writing to you (fruitless and messy)! Listen, sister, I have bigger fish to fry. I could be emailing JEFF BEZOS, who obviously could contribute 5 billion (or MORE), but I believe it’s the small, grassroots donations that mean the most. How about this? We can spread the $5.00 out and make three easy payments of $1.66666 each, if that’d help balance your budget. It’s beneath my dignity to beg, but now I’m BEGGING you, Elise. Just click the “DONATE NOW” button at the bottom of this email! You’re a peach!

Alrighty then. It’s clear that you DON’T CARE about the future of civilization. If it doesn’t matter to you, how about thinking of your little grandsons, Graham and Hershey? Never mind how I know their names! My point is, and I’m sure I speak for the discoverers of the Law of Gravity and The Theory of Relativity as well, it’s not just about YOU, Elise. I mean, we’re deceased and we still care, and care deeply, about Saving the Planet. That’s how important it is that you RUSH your $5 NOW. It’s 11:45, Elise. Open that wallet and let’s do this!

I give up, Elise. It’s 30 seconds past MIDNIGHT and we haven’t gotten your five bucks. You have destroyed my faith in humanity with your penny pinching ways. But wait!! A new day has begun and Earth is still spinning! You know what that means, Elise?

Yes! You have until MIDNIGHT TONIGHT to Save the Planet! Don’t miss your second and last chance to keep mankind from hurtling into oblivion. Your donation of $5 will provide totally ambiguous benefits to our sincere, earth-salvaging efforts. What do you say, Elise?

I didn’t plan on involving God in this, but I will if I have to. 

Good Lord Almighty, turn Elise’s cold heart. Help pry five measly one dollar bills from her tight-fisted hands. You made this world, God, and we intend to save it, darn it! Amen. 

Elise? God said to donate. NOW, while it’s on your mind. Definitely before MIDNIGHT.

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