Operational Reasons

We apologise for the late running of this service. 
This is due to operational reasons. 
No, no, you heard that right. That’s what the script tells me. 
And the missing reservations? 
They’re missing for operational reasons, too. 
I know. Operational reasons
It’s in bold. I’ve got to read it. 
And it’s only you, standing there at the end of the carriage, 
Directing hatred at the woman who is resolutely not in your seat 
(Because, I told you, it is no longer your seat
Who is even listening to this. 
Because the words shouldn’t be important. 
Because no-one is supposed to care what we say. 
Because no-one expects any better. 
And couldn’t you have had a drink like the others? 
Couldn’t you be pissed half out of your skull? 
Couldn’t you be talking football shite with a friend or two, 
Presuming you have a friend or two, 
So that nothing I say is anything but, 
There they go again, chuntering along, don’t they ever shut up?” 
That’s your job here, mate. 
You’re not meant to be pondering what “operational reasons” means. 
You’re not meant to be contemplating how non-operational reasons 
Could be responsible for delaying the train, 
For failing to print out the reservations, 
For ensuring that the buffet car is overladen with prawn cocktail crisps, 
And all the sandwiches are out of date. 
Although, yes, yes, I’ll grant you, 
The guard having an inescapable feeling of ennui when he woke up this morning 
Might just count. 
Although he’s still the guard. 
And that’s still operational. 
So we still win. 
What I’m saying here, as you’re still listening, 
And as the lady in your seat isn’t moving, 
And as your need for cheese and onion crisps isn’t going to be satisfied 
At least until we get to London, 
Is that you’re not supposed to be taking it seriously. 
After all, the company don’t, do they? 
Or else they wouldn’t give me this arrant bollocks to say in the first place. 

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