The holidays bring colorful lights, cozy sweaters and, of course, good cheer. This time of year also triggers panic in the boardrooms and test kitchens of national food chains as they labor to trend on social media and increase critical Q4 sales thru buzz-generating special menu offerings. Here’s a snapshot of what some of America’s leading franchises will be pitching & serving this holiday season.
The Merry McPlatypus – we’re bringing back a menu favorite but with a holiday twist! Picture an over-toasted, too small sub roll with a ho-ho-holiday red-hued McRib protruding from one side and two Pringles chips from the other. This new annual visitor may look goofy but he/she/they tastes delicious. Just like its namesake! And remember to use the hashtags #MerryMcPlatypus and #NaturesMcStake
Long John Silver’s –
Welcome aboard and O Tannenbaum with a side of tartar sauce! We are partnering with our maties at Hasbro to offer a holiday Filet of Jenga Tree! We stack Long John’s famous fish filets into a crispy, Fraser Fur-shaped four-foot tower of deep fried fun and crown it with a star-shaped hush puppy. Be careful not to heave ho the wrong piece though lest ye end up topplin’ the whole tree down! However, if you do, please post to social media. #MustBeatArthurTreacher
Taco Bell –
It’s the Season of Lights so Live Mas in the noche with our limited edition Locos TacGlows. We use our always deliciously seasoned “meat” and add a special ingredient – glow in the dark (humanely tested on animals) neon red and green food dye! Turn out the lights and enjoy a fiesta of taste and color or just line your walkway with this magical “Mexican” dish. (note: focus group feedback strongly suggests leaving bathroom lights on for 48-72 hours after consuming). Tag us on social! #We’reRunningOutofFoodIdeas
KFC (ix-nay on the ried-fay)–
We’re taking “finger licking good” to the next literal level. With the holidays here, excitement is rising but the temperature is dropping. No need to worry because the Colonel is here to keep you warm. For a limited time, you can Instagram your friends (please!) while wearing and eating KFC Chick-Mitts. That’s right, we take a traditional glove and replace the digits with the Colonel’s extra-crispy chicken fingers. Just ball up your fists, insert and munch away. So cozy and crunchy, you’ll wish you had more than 10 fingers! Buy one for a friend! Tweet everyone! #GiveSomeoneTheFinger…(placeholder..we’re still working on our hashtag)
Look, we’ve tried about 175 different recipes and everyone still prefers the creepy clown’s limp, greasy fries so, this holiday it’s your turn. Throughout December, instead of whatever kind of fries we last tried, you can order a whole russet potato and grab a seat. You see, we’re turning our dining rooms into “Santa’s Spud Workshops.” Channel your inner-elf while visiting the slicing, shaping, and seasoning stations. Wendy’s will provide the knives, peelers, mandolines, cookie cutters and spices. All you have to bring is your apparently superior knowledge of fry making. Once that tater is ready to cook, you can personally load up your creation into a fryer basket and lower it into a cauldron of bubbling oil heated by a roaring seasonal yule log. #YouThinkThisIsEasy? #FrostysStillRule
We all adore Dr. Seuss’ timeless classic “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” And who can forget the magical moment when the Grinch himself carves the roast beast? Well, for a limited time at Arby’s nationwide, you can enjoy your very own roast beast sandwich. What kind of beast provides the meat you ask? Well, seems a weird time to discover curiosity about an eatery that settled on the slogan “we have the meats.” By the way, is anyone asking what snoofs, tringlers, fuzzles, and wuzzles are? So, how about we just agree to leave some of the magic and mystery of the Grinch intact and not ask questions we don’t really want the answers to. We good? #MysteryMeat #WeHaveTheBeast
We’re partnering with America’s most beloved firewood manufacturer to help keep your fireplace roaring this holiday season. Now thru Dec. 31, our tuna footlong subs will come co-packaged with a Duraflame firelog! As an added bonus, throughout the month, we will be using (some) actual from the ocean tuna in the preparation of your sub! #FoodClosestToExit #JaredWho?
We toss the ultimate pizza so why not combine it with ultimate (and holiday festive) Frisbee? We’ve teamed up with the dudes at Wham-O to develop the most radical ‘za you have ever shared via Snapchat (please post). We’re not even sure why we’ve been using square boxes this whole time but, for a limited time, our boxes are round, holiday-themed, tinsel-covered and somewhat aerodynamic. Call now and within 30 minutes your pizza will be sailed to you from the nearest curb. Repeat: our drivers will not come to your door but will fly you a sweet pie from the street. We’re told by the awesome dawgs down at the law firm of Kirkland & Ellis that you assume any and all liability – so which of your bros and broettes are up for a toss? Hit us up on the ‘Gram or whatever is still cool. #PizzaOnEarth #IHaveReadAndUnderstandLiabilityTerms
Dairy Queen –
Hey! Remember us? You do? Whew, great. Then you must remember our Dip Cones. Well, just wait until you try our new DIPSTERIOUS! We’re still dipping, but what is in your cone will be a mystery until that first surprise bite! It’s like a White Elephant gift for your tastebuds! Anything on our menu is up for dips! From our delicious soft serve ice cream to our Triple Chocolate Brownie all the way to our Chicken BLT Salad and everything in between. You’ve got a hunger for adventure and social media content and we’ve got product that ain’t going to order and eat itself. We’re like a perfect Tinder match! (please post anything edible-ish to all the social you’ve got). #WeAreStillHere
Happy Holidays & Bon Appetit, America!