Excerpts From The 2050 Gossip Girl Reboot

Did you miss me? It’s been a while but I’m finally back and the climate isn’t the only thing that’s changed. The last time we saw each other, paperbag jeans were still in fashion. Having enough water to make denim? What a concept.

Gossip Girl here, welcoming you into the New Year! When Manhattanites who flew to the Mars colony for the polar vortex season return to their Madison Avenue penthouses. And looks like they brought new toys! Are those the latest Yeezy Oxygen Masks I see? The super wealthy may be able to buy clean air but there’s one thing they can never get and that’s a clean conscience. Oops! Did I touch a nerve? xoxo

Word is that R has a secret crush on C. Better start running, R. The fish may have all died but if X finds out, you will still be swimming with the fishes, or whatever radioactive Tilapia carcasses still float in the Hudson.

Spotted on the very top steps of the Met (you know, the ones that are not submerged yet): a new Constance student under a clear umbrella. Manhattan may be drowning but you can never let a Balmain leather jacket get wet.

The Chinese general and military strategist Sun Tzu wrote, “To secure ourselves against defeat lies in our own hands, but the opportunity of defeating the enemy is provided by the enemy himself”. If the exiled queen of the Upper East Side doesn’t fix her social life soon, Manhattan won’t be the only thing that’s sinking. Tribeca and Williamsburg, we hardly knew you.

Spotted: Boating down Rockefeller Center, N and R ringing in the holiday season with a time-honored tradition: The holographic tree lighting projection. Hope they grabbed some wild coffee lattes because the weather is looking as frosty as the Arabica coffee fields.

Two truths and a lie: 1. We make our own fortunes. 2. You reap what you sow. 3. A scorpion can change its nature. If I’ve taught you anything, you’ve spotted the lie already. Looks like our bitcoin heiress is in for a rude awakening. She’s made her bed and now her word is going to be worth even less than an NFT.

It’s almost summer and I’m feeling a little generous. So here’s a little tip for you: Don’t forget to stop and smell the flowers. There are only so many varieties left and they’re dying a little every day, just like our little R’s youthful optimism. Growing up is all about learning that the truth is uglier than you could have ever imagined and that underneath the sparkling surface of every ocean are thousands of barrels of ugly nuclear waste. 

And who am I? That’s a secret I’ll be ready to tell the day X Æ A-Xii’s Dad pays his space AND earth taxes. Until then, you know you love me. Xoxo, Gossip Girl. 

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