Ooga’s Tips For The Lovelorn

I can’t tell you, Cave Gals, how many times Yours Truly has been asked about how to perk up a fading love life with a pri-Mate! How to re-spark love’s fire put out by the tensions and preoccupations of our gruesome, blood-splattered way of life! Of course you know it’s hard for your Neanderthal to be gentle and tender when saber-toothed tigers prowl your ‘hood, the fire needs constant attention, and his attempts to perfect that round-“wheelie thing” he’s been working on for years are futile. And how can a gal feel romantic when her spawn are crawling around eating goodness-only-knows-what slimy and unsavory things they find in the dirt, or when she’s being dragged by her coiffure into the bushes for those speedy, jarring moments of intimacy with her thug? The frantic pace of our modern Stone Age life and the price of survival are more than enough to squelch amor like a two-foot centipede devouring a lizard. So what’s a girl to do?

First of all, you have to make time for romance! Setting up date nights, abandoning your progeny for a while on the other side of that river they can’t cross, planning ahead an activity that will bring you together like cave-painting, feeding each other mashed maggots or some other special tasty treat, picking lice off each other, massaging wooly mammoth fat into the many little cuts and gaugings flesh is heir to! All of this special attention and loving care will fan the flames from those ashy embers!

Next, Cro-madams, take a good look at yourself in the still pond! Is your face smattered with mud and soot? Is your bearcat pelt frock ragged and stained with viscous entrail fluids? Are your eyebrows so appealingly even all across your forehead? Is your hair a bewitching rats’ nest? Are your gums bleeding in that exotic “I’m a tigress!” way? Pull your look together! And remember: your male is a simple beast who responds better to visual clues than grunting small talk!

Speaking of which, always but always keep the focus on him! To get him to put that club down and grab you, compliment his hunched and hairy physique! Run your hands through his mange! Recall his brave tussle with that pterodactyl which was so yummy for dinner, all due to his strength and hunting acumen! Remind him of the early days of your courtship, those clandestine meetings by the tar pits, that hilarious escape from the angry new quadrupeds when you — oh, so laughingly! — nearly lost your lives! Remember your first howling embrace under the full moon near the bubbling mud hole! Let him know he’s still your lovable, quirky, vicious he-man!

So let the cavefire burn down to ash, let the bones and offal stack up, but always make time for enchanting that big hunk of male with whom you’ve saddled yourself! It will bring new life to grueling symbiosis and who knows? You may need friction and heat to make it through that looming ice age the Big Heads are always yakking about!  


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