This is a pet store, not a pet restaurant

Dear Petco patrons,

It has come to our attention that customers are cracking open hermit crabs and devouring them inside the store. We understand that seafood prices are rising, and you’re looking to diversify your palette, but we cannot allow this behavior. Although we remind you that your stomach doesn’t count as their “forever home,” if you want to eat them outside our store, that’s your own prerogative. This is not a sea-to-table store, and we are THIS close to never selling them again.

Please stop asking us for bibs, crab mallets, and old bay seasoning…this is not an all-you-can-eat seafood buffet. We would appreciate it if you didn’t smack your lips and shout, “Get me one of ‘em jumbo suckers.” Do not ask for any more wine recommendations that pair well with hermit crabs because that’s disgusting…but generally, a buttery Chardonnay pairs well with seafood. We will not show you where to plug in your George Foreman grill so that you can recreate the “hibachi vibes.” If one hermit crab is “nearly dead,” customers are NOT doing the store a favor by eating it.

For the safety of our animals and staff, we will be temporarily removing crustaceans from our menu. It has become a hazard when you leave broken shells on the cash register, floors, and inside the rat cages. Earl from the reptile department is so traumatized by this hermit crab massacre that he still hears phantom sucking and moaning sounds. Four of our customers had to be hospitalized by the sight of your pocket knives excavating the hermit crabs out of their shells. The birds won’t stop squawking every time the door chimes. The turtles haven’t shit in days. The fish are playing dead in their tanks (we think).

We cannot afford any more bad press after elite Yelp reviewers were calling us the “Best Seafood Restaurant in Town,” an arguably bittersweet review. We had to take down our flyers because people said we were, “asking for it by advertising mouthwatering crustaceans.” Apparently seeing hermies in airbrushed photos is a crab enthusiast’s wet dream. It was bad enough when PETA launched an exposé on us, but now teenage activists are using viral TikTok dances to tank our business. Half of our private breeders are refusing to sell to us anymore claiming we broke the “crab code.” Now, we’re forced to capture hermit crabs in the wild and separate them from their families, like monsters.

Starting in a few weeks, we will stop advertising animal shipments because people kept deviously rubbing their hands together when they heard about the freshest batch of hot hermies. Law enforcement will be removing any online meetups labeled “Petco Hermit Crab Boil.” Any patrons who attempt to steal from our high security cages will have their birthday special revoked and will be banned from taking photos with our whimsical social media props #EatMoreImitationCrab. Moving forward, the franchise will be naming all crabs because we realized the customers found it difficult to enjoy dipping them in cocktail sauce once we’d given them cute monikers like “Detective Bubbles” and “Please Spare Me, I Have So Much to Live For”. All stores will be eliminating the 2-for-1 pet discount because we overheard a customer say, “Hell, throw a gerbil in my belly, I don’t discriminate.”

It’s astounding that we have to remind our clientele this is a pet store, not a pet restaurant. Look, we just sell them. If you want to raise hermit crabs for slaughter in your OWN home, we can provide cozy terrariums and nutritious food pellets to build your own crab fishery. There are other hermit crabs in the sea…stop eating ours.