God’s Administrative Assistant Answers Your Bullshit Prayers

·      Thank you for praying to the office of God. Unfortunately, the Almighty is unable to come to your prayer right now, but please rest assured that he doesn’t care anyway. Especially about “Please don’t let her be pregnant.” Wow, so that’s original. Anyway, as God’s Administrative Assistant I have been authorized to answer your prayers. I hereby grant your request that your girlfriend is not pregnant and that you shall never father any child. Thank you for praying to God. We now consider this matter closed.

·      To whom it may concern: You can now stop muttering “please don’t make eye contact. Please don’t make eye contact. Please don’t make eye contact.” The office of God has heard you. Everyone has heard you. You can shut up, Mr. Andy Dufresne. Have you seen that movie? It’s really good. Anyway, you live in a country that has inch gaps in the bathroom stall doors. Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do about that at this moment. And on a personal note, if they make eye contact as you are pooping, maybe say hello and make a new friend. Some people pay good money for that experience. Just saying. We don’t judge here.

·      Your request for lottery numbers has been granted. They are 6, 22, 45, 87, and 99 and are from the January 1st, 1986 drawing. May I suggest that you be more specific with your prayer requests in the future.

·      Thank you for your repeated prayers. However, you failed to say Amen at the end of the prayer and therefore it cannot be considered at this time. In the future, please go through the proper channels and make a prayer appointment. There is a process and there are like a million churches and religions on Earth. Just pick one. It’s not that hard. Talk to whoever is in charge so that the requisite paperwork can be filed, and a prayer appointment can be made. Until then, good luck with the herpes.

·      Please note that using Damn after the name of the Almighty will not get you in this office, Mister. And to cut you off before you go there, God is the manager, so simmer down Twilight Sparkle. I suggest you begin rethinking your entitlement before you are smited.

·      The One, the Alpha, The Omega is not a Dallas Cowboy fan. Quite the opposite. It is my duty to deny your Superbowl win request. On an unrelated note, go Chiefs.

·      It is my pleasure, as God’s Secretary, to inform you that your prayer has been granted. I’ll be honest, we deal with a lot of whackadoodles up here. But when I heard your prayer for a mash-up of the movie Highlander and the play Cats, well, I was overwhelmed with God’s love. Rest assured, your prayer has been heard. The release date of the McCleod Felines will be summer 2023 and star Carrot Top and Sean Connery. He’s under contract up here. It’s not often that I get to usher in the apocalypse so thank you for giving me the opportunity. It’s been a long existence.

·      Before answering this prayer, I wanted to take a minute to say thank you for the absolute monster list of all the reasons that you are a good person and deserve a chili cheese burrito. I mean, you would think that you would spend all this effort to pray for something more permanent like health or peace on Earth. But since you are so organized, and such a good person, the Office of the Lord will grant your request for 1 chili cheese burrito. Reading all your reasons why you deserve this has taken up so much time that we’ve had to ignore the landslide in Guatemala, the drought in California, and that kid that hoped to be adopted. Well, there’s always next year, I suppose.

·      Dear Sir, please be aware that each customer is limited to one and only one prayer request. I believe you have already used your prayer previously. At this time, we cannot allow you to father a child. Remember when you prayed not to? We understand that this is not what you wanted to hear, but maybe in the future you’ll be more judicious with your prayers. As a consolation, we have made your wife pregnant with the baby of a man that she made eye contact with in a bathroom stall. Also, he has herpes and is a Cowboys fan. We wish you the best of luck in the rest of your endeavors.

One comment

  1. Yes. Who do we of a specific God sect (Jews, Christians, Moslems, Hindus, etc.) do? Or is your cocept of God a one-prayer-fits-all guy who takes care of all requests. Or is he too busy doing a big home repair job in Hempstead? And what about us agnostics hasthe enrollment period for deiss expired, and will there be a future enrollment period beginning in November? Many questions, few answers.


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