In The Game Of “Clue: Family Edition” There’s Only One Loser – The Mom

The Case File

Yesterday morning in Anytown, USA, Jane Everymom suffered a nervous breakdown. Her therapist has narrowed down the list of potential suspects and modus operandi, but she needs your help to solve the case. If she can’t free Jane from her catatonic state by this evening, Jane won’t be able to make the organic snack spreadsheet for her son’s football team, and the boys will be forced to eat high fructose corn syrup and drink cow’s milk.  

To Win The Game You Must Find Out Two Things:

1.     Who committed the act that led to Jane’s nervous breakdown?

2.     What did they do that pushed her over the edge?

The Suspects and Their M.O.s

The Toddler: Destruction

-Woke up at 4:30am and demanded to play “baby”

-Threw Jane’s phone in the toilet

-Conspired with the family cat to mess with Jane’s hair until it was one enormous knot that she had to cut off at the root

The Tween: His Personality

-Constantly irritable. If Jane makes chicken for dinner, the Tween says “We just had that.” If Jane makes pasta, “Pasta is unhealthy.” If Jane makes vegetables, “What are we, vegan?”

-Annoyed by the way Jane’s face looks

-Appalled that Jane said hello to his friends

-Stomps around the house if his hair doesn’t look like a TikTok celebrity’s

-Convinced Jane that she was part of the JFK assassination cover-up, even though she wasn’t born yet

The Husband: Hides in the Bathroom

-“I’ll be in my office for a bit”

-Flushes the toilet four times for effect

-Becomes a toilet salesman

-Becomes the target of a hit

The Customer Service Representative: Unhelpfulness

-I’m SO sorry we sent the wrong parts for your child’s first bed! We’ll send out replacement parts immediately. Oh, we already did that and they still don’t fit? Hmmmm…let me transfer you to my supervisor. *disconnects call*

The Mother: Insults

-Who did your hair the other night? It was terrible!

-I read your essay — it was very sophomoric

-Why are you lying down? Are you depressed?

The Mother-in-Law: Different Insults

-If you cooked more often my son’s blood pressure wouldn’t be so high

-All of your kids look like my side of the family

-What colors do you look good in?

-My cousin Shirley was very offended by your cat meme

The School: Unreasonable Expectations

-Join us for an open house to see what your child has been working on in Art. No, you don’t have to come but all the other parents are coming and you’ll look like a shitty parent if you stay home

-While your calendar is out, please reserve three afternoons next week to help your child sew his costume for the musical

-While you’re Googling a local seamstress, can you also find a gluten-free, nut-free snack for the class iguana’s birthday? He’s not a big fan of fruit, but sometimes he’ll eat quince and kumquat

-Also, please make a donation to the Parents’ Association

The CDC: Indecision

-Your child must stay home from school for 5 days if a family member has Covid

-We take that back

-Your child must stay home from school for 10 days if he has Covid

-No, wait…

-Your child must stay home from school for 5 days if he has Covid. Today is day 0. Tomorrow is also day 0. Day 10 is day 5. This makes perfect sense.

-Actually, each school can decide for themselves how to handle exposure and isolation. Who, me? Oh, I don’t even work here. I was looking for Taco Bell and the front door was open  

The Facebook Mom Group: Sanctimony

-WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DIDN’T BREASTFEED? YOUR BABY WILL DIE

-WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DIDN’T SUPPLEMENT WITH FORMULA? YOUR BABY WILL DIE

-YOU LET YOUR KIDS WATCH TV? I’M CALLING ACS

-STAY-AT-HOME MOMS SET WOMEN’S LIB BACK 60 YEARS

-YOU DIDN’T EAT YOUR PLACENTA? YOU GAVE BIRTH IN A HOSPITAL? YOU CO-SLEEP? YOU LET YOUR BABY CRY IT OUT? YOU COMPLAINED ABOUT YOUR KID? ARE YOU EVEN FIT TO PARENT?

Conclusion:

You lose! Everyone loses! The whole game was a trick question. The correct answer is…All of the above.

Poor Jane will need therapy for the foreseeable future and therefore won’t be able to afford organic snacks and non-dairy milk for the football team. On the bright side, Jane’s therapist will have enough money to put her own kids through college.


Be sure to check out some of our other family-friendly games:

-Jenga: How Many Dirty Plates Can Mom Carry from The Teen’s Bedroom?

-Operation: Can You Locate and Extract Mom’s Last Fuck?

-Hungry Hungry Hippo: Help Mom Gobble Up the Chocolate Before the Kids Find her Stash

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