Welcome to My Author Patreon!

The Flirt Experience
$500 per month

The Flirt Experience means I’ll send the final draft of all my short stories. When I reread them and discover plot holes, I’ll rush to correct them, and immediately email you before you’ve had a chance to finish the “first” final draft. Don’t worry. The updated piece will be conveniently labeled “finalized” final draft.

The Flirt Experience will allow you to suggest better names for protagonists other than what I have originally chosen, which include examples such as Dick, Moses, and Winthrop.

The Boyfriend Experience
$1,000 per month

In The Boyfriend Experience, you’ll get everything that was a part of the Flirt Experience. Plus, you can text me once a day to ask how I’m doing. I will then tell you I spent most of the day revising, which will be mostly true except for the three hours I had spent picking my nose and smoking in bed, which is where I find inspiration. You may tell me about your day in return. Whatever you say might be used verbatim in an upcoming story.

At this tier, my self-worth as a person begins to depend entirely on your criticism of my work, or lack thereof.

Nothing I send you as part of The Boyfriend Experience will be published elsewhere, even if you insist, because I can’t fundamentally trust the judgment of only one person. Everyone must love my work, or not at all.

Through The Boyfriend Experience, you’ll discover I’m also a songwriter. You’ll have complete exclusive access to my catalogue, none of which will be love songs, but they’ll never be about other people, either. Except if they’re 1) famous 2) fictional and/or 3) dead.

The Fiancé Experience
$1,500 per month

For the Fiancé experience, you’ll receive the perks of the Flirt Experience and the Boyfriend Experience, and as a bonus, you can write a memoir of what being my patron was like, and any proceeds from that go entirely to you.

 You’ll also be allowed to speak at my funeral. I’d appreciate it if you fit the descriptors “brilliant” and “genius” into my eulogy, but I’m flexible.

You may shed a tear at my grave.

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There never will be The Husband Experience, so you can relax knowing I won’t wreck your life completely. You’ll only mildly regret any experience you choose. I guarantee it.