The Very Hungry Caterpillar
Subject: On Metamorphosis Leave thru March 8
Thank you for your email. I am currently on Metamorphosis Leave with very limited access to email. In my absence, please feel free to reach out to my colleagues One Apple, Two Pears, or Three Plums. I look forward to returning your message upon my return.
Subject: Look, it’s not that I’m ignoring you. I’m really not. I’m not trying to, at least. But if I don’t get back to today—and I might not—I will soon. You can trust a guy like me.
If you really want to know, and you probably don’t, I won’t be at the office at all today. It’s this friend of mine, Benjamin. He’s getting married, and I mean really married, to this old girl Lana he met on Hinge. It’s not that I don’t like her, don’t get me wrong. I just don’t really understand the whole thing. You take a guy like Benjamin, who was perfectly normal before he met Lana, and now he’s all posting couples pictures on Instagram with phony captions like “can’t wait to marry my best friend!” and crap like that. It just makes you wonder, that’s all. You should have seen their registry, all gravy boats and silver forks and fancy coasters, for god’s sake. That stuff depresses me.
Listen, I’m flying there, and the WiFi on Delta is crap these days. I mean it almost never works. But if for whatever reason they manage to get it going for once, don’t expect me to pay for it and sit there responding to your emails for that whole goddamned flight or anything. I did that once, and if I’m being honest, I think I never even submitted an expense report for that WiFi charge. I mean, it was on my to do list for weeks, honest to God, but I just kept crossing it out like some dirty little trick. You take a guy like Benjamin, he’s from a very wealthy family, and something like a WiFi charge isn’t a big deal. But it weighs on a guy like me.
I forgot to tell you I’ll be back on Monday. I’ll bet a thousand bucks you won’t even notice I’m gone.
Subject: Lost in the wood, please expect delayed response
As some of you know, I’ve been on vacation
To the woods I went with nary a relation
A road less traveled has led me astray,
Alone, stranded in a foreign nation,
so out of office I must remain for yet another day.
With a sigh I share the news
That my deadlines will not be met
To be gone another day is not what I’d choose
I lay grassy and trodden but please do not fret
For my absence—I ask you to kindly excuse.
The Cat in the Hat
Subject: Out sick today, please expect a delay. I’ll respond when I’m back, please do not be dismayed!
I sit here at home.
I am too sick to work.
I cough and I cough
And my team’s Slack room I lurk.
I cannot make the all-hands,
I will not sync or ping,
No circling! No strategizing!
Don’t give me a ring!
Have no fear, I’ve been jabbed
Once, twice, even thrice
But to head to the office?
Fauci says that’s not nice.
So I lie here in bed.
I lie here all day.
I binge both seasons of Euphoria,
How the day got away!
Don’t fear, I’ll be back,
I’ll be back and on track!
Til then I’ll be covered by my
colleagues, Jack, Zack, Pac and Mac.