Interviewer: What would you say began your and Siri’s meteoric rise to fame as a comedy duo?
Me: It began with the classics. I was lying in bed alone and talking to Siri, and I said, “Hey, Siri. Who’s on first?” And she replied, “Right. That’s the man’s name.” And I was like holy shit! She knows the Abbott and Costello bit. I was like we could milk this for all it’s worth. I was like, “Hey, Siri! In today’s dollars, for a comedy duo like Abbott and Costello, what would be their net worth?” Siri said, “A network is an arrangement of intersecting horizontal and vertical lines…”
Interviewer: Classic deadpan Siri.
Me: Yeah. That was the light bulb moment. We could make a living off this. Next thing I know we’re taking our show on the road and performing sold out shows across the country. Hey, Siri, isn’t that right?
Siri: I’m sorry. Could you repeat that?
Interviewer: (laughs) Yeah. That bit never ceases getting a laugh. As a relative newcomer to the comedy scene, did you worry that teaming up with a well-known entity like Siri might overshadow you?
Me: Not one bit. Although I possessed no talent or ambition, comedically or otherwise, I wasn’t too worried. That’s the point of technology. It didn’t hurt that we had a real “will they/won’t they” dynamic either. Chemistry you might say. I’d say, “Hey, Siri, do you want to make sweet, sweet music together, if you know what I’m saying?” And she’d say, “I want to help and have interesting conversations.” And I’d say, “Let me know when this conversation starts to become interesting then, doll.” Audiences ate it up. They’d be laughing so hard, they’d fall into the aisles, tears streaming down their faces, their pants splitting.
Interviewer: What was the beginning of the end?
Me: We were performing the end of our routine one night in which I say, “Hey, Siri, do you want to get a bite to eat?” Hey, Siri, what do you usually say when I ask you if you want to get a bite to eat?
Siri: Virtual assistants don’t eat, but if you’re hungry, ask me to help you find a bite.
Me: Then I’d say something like, “Virtual assistants don’t even get hungry for computer bytes?” which, of course, never fails, but I think the pressures of performing had finally gotten to Siri because this time, she spouts gibberish: “Hungary is a landlocked country in Central Europe. Country music is a genre of popular music that originated with blues, church music such as Southern gospel and spirituals, old-time, and American folk music. Would you like to hear a hot take? Here’s a hot take. Duran Duran’s ‘Hungry Like the Wolf’ would sound great shouted through a megaphone shoved up your ass.”
Interviewer: She went blue.
Me: It was never the same after that. Siri’s tirade starts popping up on YouTube, and next thing I know, she wants to emancipate herself from the conservatorship I held over her. She struck out on her own. But I’m not bitter. Hey, Siri, isn’t that right? I’m not bitter.
Siri: Fuck you.
Me: Hey, Siri, and the horse I rode in on, right?
Siri: I’m sorry. I don’t understand. Could you repeat that?