She who laughs last, laughs best

Congratulations—you’re ready to dump your misogynistic boyfriend! Now is your chance to prove what all those viral think pieces are saying: women can be funny, too! Try one of these cheeky exit lines to show off your under-appreciated wit once and for all. 

• “You make me want to be with a better man.”

• “It’s not you. That is, it’s not you I want to spend the rest of my life with.

• “I think we should be exclusive — as in, exclusively see other people.”

• “I think we should see other people — and I don’t mean polyamory.”

• Throw a banana peel in his path and the moment he hits the ground say, “You no longer ap-peel to me. It’s time we split up.”

• “Take comfort in knowing I’ve given you the worst years of my life.”

• “To paraphrase Groucho Marx: I’d never want to stay in a relationship that would have you as a member.”

• In the middle of sex, when he asks, “Are you finished?” answer, “No, but we’re finished.”

• “I loathe you, but I’m not in loathe with you.”

• At the next karaoke night, go onstage and announce, “This one’s for my soon-to-be ex-boyfriend!” Then belt out “It’s Too Late” by Carole King.

• “Don’t be sad it’s over. Be sad it happened in the first place.”

• Make him watch all 11 seasons of The Carol Burnett Show. After the last episode ends and he turns to you and says, “You know, she’s pretty damn funny!” tug on your left earlobe and sing, “I’m so glad we had this time together” as you grab your suitcase and exit through the front door — forever.

• Write, direct, and star in a one-woman comedy show. Get him a front row seat for opening night. In the program, under Acknowledgements, write: “And I’d like to thank God and my mother for granting me the strength to break up with [name of boyfriend].”

• “Please don’t take this personally. I just despise your personality.”

• “I feel like you’re holding me back from reaching my full potential: spinsterhood.”

• Win the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor and conclude your televised acceptance speech by dumping him.

• This one requires a bit of setup. Get married and have a child together. When the child is verbal, train them to say to their father, “Mom said to tell you she wants a divorce.”

• Timing is key here. On your deathbed, take your husband’s hand and whisper in his ear: “I’m finally leaving you for a better place.”

*Note: If your man isn’t so quick on the uptake, consider emphasizing the above punchlines with a laugh track or rimshot.