The Monotonous Call of The Bucket Drummer
Steady, rhythmic beats signaling the return of patio weather and a constant parade of Wall Street Bros drunk on rosé. Waking up to the sound of “BAH-BA-DEE-DA-DA! BAH-BA-DEE-DA-DA!” every day might seem hip and fun and New York-ey at first, but after a couple of hours, you’ll pine for a polar vortex.
The March of the Tourists
Ever since the pandemic travel ban was lifted, flocks of Tourists have been spotted all over New York, but spring marks the official beginning of their march through the city. Sightseers migrate to Times Square for personalized M&M’s, standby tickets to Hamilton, and directions to “the Forrest Gump restaurant.” Traveling arm-in-arm in long horizontal line formations, they’ll turn your return to the office commute into a maddening version of Red Rover. Look for the weak link.
Guilt Trips from Mother Nature
Are you starting to feel bad for spending an entire weekend inside your apartment watching every single episode of Law & Order SVU? It must be spring! Sundress weather is Mother Nature’s passive-aggressive way of asking you to visit more and saying things like, “You could have very nice legs if you hiked once in a while.”
Public Displays of Personal Growth
A forest of newly planted Tree Poses in Bryant Park can only mean one thing: the official season of pretending to care about wellness is upon us. Expect to wait an hour for a salad.
The Very Public Decoupling Ritual
Two people who were once in love–or at least liked each other enough to “Netflix and Chill” all winter–end a relationship with a version of call and response that’s really more like call names and call more names. This traditional tear-soaked ceremony takes place in your Uber Pool. It is made up of a few stages, which increase in volume: “It’s Not You, It’s Me,” “I Never Liked You Anyway!” and finally, “NO! You can’t still use my HBO GO to watch Station Eleven!” Witnessing one of these rituals is oddly comforting, making you feel both less alone and incredibly grateful to be single.
The Grass is Greener on This Side Again
You’ve stopped secretly wishing that you live in L.A.
Unpredictable hazards flood the sidewalks this time of year. Keep an eye out for ambulatory hot messes, such as Blacked Out March Madness Fan, Man Who Steamrolls You to Avoid a Puddle, and Woman Who Lost What Little Muscle Mass She Had By Lying on the Couch All Winter. If you find yourself in the path of one of these erratic microbursts, be aware that they change course unexpectedly. Know all nearby evacuation routes.
The Anti-Mating Call
Birdsongs are a classic sign of spring. Unfortunately, if you happen to be a woman walking outdoors, you won’t be able to hear them over this repulsive call, which is a combination of grunts, whistles, and “Damn, Girls” from a random guy on the street. While not exclusive to the season, it becomes more frequent as temperatures rise and ankles are exposed. Don’t leave home without earbuds.
Surprise! It’s Snow!
It wouldn’t be springtime without a little thunder-snowpocalypse to remind you that winter still has a white-knuckled death grip on your soul. Winter doesn’t give a shit that it’s April, or how excited you are not to have to find a place to stash your coat at a bar.