Bad News For Those Who Remained Single Throughout The Pandemic

A leading scientist explains2… with science3

Warning: This is not for the faint-hearted.4

(Working draft (lost count on the number. Would have looked great with some largely unused— and severely marginalized—number like 37 to go with it, but we can’t have everything).

By: a scientist pretending to be an unpaid newsroom intern who is pretending to be a scientist who is pretending to be an intern- Schrodinger that one.

**This one will be filed under Adam John Smith or some such.

A world-renowned scientist has recently reported that the outlook is not bright for those of you who remained dutifully single in the past 2 years. We understand those were the rules, but well, you know, it probably says a lot about you if you were following them so strictly in the first place. It was an unprecedented moment in history when collective compliance mattered so much and yet so little at the same time since there was enough evidence to support both sides5, so really the fault is all your own.

Professor Hitadrought from University Nobodyknowsorcaresabout claims that those of you who have effectively remained single and endured your own company, without means of modern escapism like travel, beer-with-mates, or overpriced artsy ventures at the National Theatre (that make you think you are classier than you can ever be), have now turned into a Singularity. As such the Event Horizon, which would be the unlikely event of you ever finding a mate, is now pushed irretrievably outwards from the Black Hole that is your existence.

Here is a ripped-off diagram from Wikipedia to explain some more:

As is clearly demonstrated, the Singularity here, a point of horrible gravitational suck, which is You, is now hopelessly too far off from the Event Horizon of your (fictional) romantic life. The Schwarzschild radius, which is the distance, is representative of your slightly alarming psychopathic loner lifestyle choice during the COVID-19 years of 2020-2022.

We asked Professor Controversialontwitter to explain Schwarzschild a bit more. “Well, it is simple. It means “bleak” and “child” if you break it up. Is that clear enough for you? No babies! Nada. None. That chance is gone for you to the collective relief of Eve and Evolution.” Although a linguistics expert6 claims that the term “schild” might be Germanic for shield, in which case it could mean a different type of hope7. Professor Controversialontwitter however believes that does not change the prognosis at all. “Either way, so long, losers”.

When asked what the equation means and how they have arrived at their Singularity conclusion, Professor Hitaseriousdrought explained that R which is the event horizon of the black hole (I keep repeating myself for these masochistic nerds) is equal to twice the product of your initial gravitational pull/magnetism (which is a constant, G, and cannot be changed, and let’s face it was not very high to begin with) and your motivation (M, which again, let’s be real, airy-fairy, was in negative numbers. You won’t meet someone on a bus or a supermarket. It has never happened, and will never happen, but you keep hoping, don’t you? Urgh!) divided by the lightning-speed of your general day to day actioning tendencies (c); squared.

It is the c2 bit that is the major setback for the Singularities, Prof continues. Since this was reduced to 0 in the past 2 years, it means that basically any number in the numerator divided by zero, is well… a math error. We have all tried dividing numbers by zero on those old Casio calculators in high school. So, we know8.

Here is another animated Gif of Black Hole Lensing, also found in Wikipedia’s public free-for-all domain to visually demonstrate your sad life in detail:

A picture containing smoke, missile

Description automatically generated

Rules are for dummies, as they say. I read it in meme-form followed by an inspirational (mis)quote on a nature background— so as stated earlier, you only have yourselves to blame for this one. While we were on Wikipedia, we also discovered that there is a whole page on Stupidity, and this is the cover picture:

The Allegory of Folley, aka. your face when reading this, painted c.1510 by Quinten Metsys.

We are sure Singularities everywhere are now wondering if there is any hope for them at all. Well, Professor Seriouslyseveredroughtguys has informed us that the University has threatened to fire and take away their tenure if they do not produce a publication soon (hopefully this article might help) and do not have the time required to devote themselves to deriving a mathematical solution. We hope that the Singularity nerds out there, with nothing better to do with all that time, will probably use it to work on their own predicament. Until then, to quote Professor Closetobeingcancelled from University Notforplebsyouovergraspingsuck, “either way, so long, losers”!And next time someone asks you if you are still single, make sure to inform them of your latest upgrade in the ladder of specie-extinction. If anyone is going to help us win this race against global warming, it is definitely going to be you.

Footnotes (i.e., my random thoughts that could not fit in the main body despite my sincere endeavours):

  1. For those of you just joining us— from cryosleep, Nietzscheism, or perhaps just next-door Mars—this refers to the two-year long saga of debatable restrictions, endless sharing of exponential curve graphs, the most uncertain two-way science, and the marriage of millennialism with civil rights; that we would fondly refer to as the era of COVID 19. (The Great Plague was already taken. Selfishness of the ancients, never thinking about the future generations who might have it tougher than them. Typical).
  2. Has anyone noticed that they never feature a non-leading scientist ever? Leading. Scientists are not sure what this means, as also said by another leading scientist in the field of leading scientist and what-this-term-means.

Usually, it means whoever gave an interview, study finds. Although in leading scientist world that might mean those backroom stragglers who are desperate to see their name in any form of publication in that calendar year.

  1. No science was involved, but we misquoted- oops. We will however defend it with a passion hitherto unknown. Because it means more news. Yipee
  2. They asked me to put a generic warning up top that rules out almost everybody and yet ensures almost everybody will read it.
  3. I wrote that one but maybe we can quote this as some woke anthropologist who wrote a book? Worth a shot. Failing that either Shakespeare, Albert Einstein, or Abe Lincoln is always going to be there.
  4. Ibid. Which here means: also me, but I am in the process of creating another profile based in Mannheim to corroborate.
  5. I think there was another explanation by some Dr IknowwhatIamtalkingabout which said that Schwartzschild was the name of the scientist who discovered the equation, but I am just going to ignore that one because we can’t have too many opinions in one paragraph.
  6. I might have done that once or twice but I mostly used it to type 5318008, which when turned over as we all know spells “BOOBIES”, and pass it around— perhaps that explains why I am an unpaid newsroom intern pretending to be a scientist pretending to be an unpaid newsroom intern…

I think it might be a good idea to put a mental health disclaimer or create a hotline. I saw it on Netflix, so it must be en vogue.

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