To: High School History Department
Subject: Exciting New Curriculum Changes!

Hello history teachers!

Just writing to let you know of some upcoming changes to the curriculum for the 2021-22 school year. We have been informed by our vibrant parent community that our students are feeling unengaged and frankly a little bored by the current history team’s teaching methodology. Now you definitely should not take that as a slight against your subpar performance, these parents just want the best for their kids, so you can’t really blame them. In fact, I know that you wouldn’t even dream of doing so, because that would be equivalent to admitting you actually hate children and want them to suffer. Good thing that’s not the case!

After a comprehensive 20 minute discussion with a parent advocate who has little to no real power, I decided to bend over backwards to accommodate their request. They had some really good points! Starting immediately we will be supplementing student education with movies! No, not those boring documentary movies that y’all love to show, that’s nerd shit. We are thinking more like Hollywood blockbusters set in historical time periods. That’ll really make these kids want to learn.

Students have reported that all the reading and writing in history class can be a drag and learning about serious topics like human rights violations and political systems feels like too much sometimes. Movies would be a far more complete way to approach their education.

Please remember, we do need to be compliant with Common Core standards though, so please be sure to naturally integrate a fully immersive reading and writing lesson. But, like, make it exciting for once.

Here is a list of a couple movies you can start out with:

Instead of teaching about the Civil War, try showing Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Students love vampires and it covers slavery pretty comprehensively. Students should know all about our nation’s greatest president!

Instead of teaching about the Middle Ages, show Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Students will be laughing and learning all at once!

For World War I: Wonder Woman. World War II: Captain America: The First Avenger. Cold War: The Incredibles. It can be a whole unit based on superheroes; it’ll be great!

I’m not actually sure if you ever learn about pirates but throw some Pirates of the Caribbean in there and I’m sure you’ll be just fine.

… and, um, maybe 300? I don’t know, I’m not an expert. You’ll fill in the rest as you go.

Conveniently, all of these options are on Prime Video. I assure you all that is a complete coincidence. We would never mortgage our futures by selling out our curriculum to a megacorporation like Amazon. To do so would be to cripple an education system that forms the backbone of future generations’ understanding of reality. I mean can you imagine the ramifications of a move like that? No, we will stick with Pearson, thank you very much.

Again, I just want to reassure you, this isn’t about you not doing your jobs. I have got your back. These parents just ask for the darnedest things sometimes. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them. Am I right? 😉

On a side note, your annual evaluation reviews are scheduled for next week.

Best,
Your superintendent (my name is irrelevant seeing as you’ll literally never see me your entire career)