Everyone is always saying, “Everybody Has That One Friend!” Well, after years of exhaustive study, we at the Friendship Research Society have assembled the definitive list of people found in every single group of friends.

–The one who’s super clumsy.   

–The total bitch. 

–The one named Fern.

–The one who only eats corn. 

–The one everyone calls “Tiny” even though they’re totally not.

–The one who hates pens.

–The one who lives in that old haunted house on Maple St. 

–The one who only eats food off the floor.

–The one who murders sometimes but swears it’s only for good reasons.

–The one who calls themself an artist but their art is just a bunch of popsicle sticks glued together.

–The one with the imaginary parrot on their shoulder, and no one says anything even though it’s like, “Fern, we can all see that it’s you making the parrot talk.”

–The one who screams at babies. Just, every time they see a baby.

–The one who walks around in a gorilla costume. All the time. 

–The one who keeps asking you to help bury the bodies from their good murders.

–The one who can shape shift but they always kind of fuck it up. Like, they can turn into a cat but it only has three legs. 

–The one who seriously will not stop asking you to help bury the bodies and threatening to turn you in as an accomplice and it’s like, “Fern, there is no more room in my backyard.”

–The one who only eats ferns. 

–The one who is now on the run from the one who murders because they would not bury the bodies in the backyard.

–Please help, I am trapped in a gas station on Highway 3, hiding from Fern. 

–The one whom Fern found.

–The one who tries to apologize, swears they’ll help her bury the bodies if Fern will let them live.

–We can find room, Fern. Put down the knife, Fern.

–The one who wrestled the knife away from Fern.

–The one who is running down Highway 3, waving their arms in the air for help.

–The one who is being attacked by Fern’s parrot, which turned out to be a real invisible parrot.

–The one who stabbed the parrot in self-defense.

–The one who helped Fern bury the parrot.

–The one who’s super generous.