This year has been a trying, and surprising, time for everyone.
I wanted to write to you all today so you know how much we appreciate your presence here, and how fortunate I feel to have such a big, loving family to come back to. We have all had a difficult, trying year, but I believe that we can only truly heal when we are in the company of other people. Which is why we call it a ‘company,’ isn’t it?
Now, I wanted to start by acknowledging the elephant in the room.
The entire West Coast has been vaporized by Martians. Who would’ve guessed it, right? Mars is secretly home to an ancient alien civilization. And they’ve taken our rover landings as an Act of War. We support the troops in our United Nations Military as they make great sacrifices to defend our home. Our hearts also go out to everyone we have lost, especially those in our Los Angeles, Seattle, and Vancouver offices. We will have a moment of silence for them today after our 11am All-Staff Meeting. Additionally, please remember that we have several open positions on LinkedIn, and we’re paying $100 for successful referrals!
The sudden war against the Martians has resulted in suffering, the postponement of normal life, and worst of all, severe damage to our economy. But with every tragedy there is opportunity. Thanks to the utter devastation on the West Coast, our competitors have been virtually annihilated, which means we are now the undisputed leader in our industry space! And now, thanks to new revised government regulations, we are happy to invite you back into the office. We are so glad to see you in your desks again!
Many of you may be experiencing emotional difficulties. This is a tough time for us all. We are all grieving. Your feelings are valid. It is important to take time to care for yourself. But not during work hours. Please restrict all grieving and emotional breakdowns to either your lunch hour or outside work hours; however, if you are asked to work late, please postpone your emotional outbursts until you leave the office.
If you have any mental health concerns, please remember that our company offers a free Premium Subscription to the meditation app HeadPeace. Our insurance provider, Patriot Healthcare, also has a list of recommended therapists, though it is not covered in our health plan. I would also ask you to refrain from mentioning your mental health to your supervisor unless they directly ask you about it.
Remember: mental health is as important as physical health!
I would also like to use this time to go over our new “Alien Nuclear Attack” protocols. First of all, it is important to stay at your desks until you hear the Alien Nuclear Attack Siren. Seeing buildings explode, people screaming, or a wall of fire ten stories tall racing towards you is NOT a reason to leave your desk; doing so will result in a disciplinary review.
When you do hear the Alien Nuclear Attack Siren, please move in an orderly fashion to the kitchen, where we have installed a state-of-the-art Safe Room under the kitchen tiles. Please make sure to report to your line manager, who will be in charge of ensuring the entire team is present. You must enter the Safe Room within five minutes of the Alien Nuclear Assault Siren sounding. After five minutes, we will seal the Safe Room until the Alien Nuclear Assault All-Clear Siren sounds. At which point, you will be able to return to your desks for the remainder of the work day.
Please note: in the event of an alien nuclear assault, you are still required to fill out your timesheets. Please use the code ANC-001: Hostile Extraterrestrial Event to denote any time spent in the safe room, fleeing the safe room, tending to the wounded, or anything that takes you away from the desk. Filing hours under this heading when you are not prevented from working due to an alien nuclear assault will be considered time theft and result in termination.
We are so glad to have a safe, secure office to return to. Thank you to everyone in HR and Operations who worked tirelessly over the last few months, during radiation thunderstorms and acid hail, to update our building so it’s now up to the approved code.
On that note, there’s been a lot of confusion in the work Slack about this, so I’d also like to clarify that burns, mutations, and physical anomalies caused by alien warheads are NOT currently covered in our health insurance policy from Patriot Healthcare. We are in constant communication with Patriot Healthcare about potentially adding this coverage to our plan and calculating what the coverage would entail. Until then, all hospital bills and costs incurred by alien weaponry is an out-of-pocket expense.
Please also note additional changes to our PTO policy. You will not be able to schedule PTO the morning of the day of work, regardless if the subway has been vaporized by space lasers or if Midtown has been flattened by a megaton bomb. The end of the world is not an adequate reason to skip work. There have also been many questions about bereavement allowance. Your bereavement allowance is two days per year. If you wish to take more than two days off, for multiple funerals, you will need to use PTO. You cannot use a Personal Day or a Sick Day, and you MUST get approval from your supervisor beforehand.
It’s so great to have everyone back in the office. I cannot wait to see all your smiling faces, hear the chatter in the cubicles, and the conversations by the coffee machine.
We may not know if civilization will exist on Monday, but we know that we’ll all be back in our desks again.
Welcome back to work!