Five Super-Easy Steps to Better Sleep!

  1. Don’t even think of looking at any of your electronic devices, the digital display on any of your appliances, the dashboard of your car, or your wrist watch or for at least eight hours before turning in. Stay seven-plus feet away from your microwave oven too! The recently discovered “death rays” that emanate from these items not only keep you awake at night, but are now known to destroy neurons. The agitation they cause in your brain and your eyeballs is enough to shorten your lifespan by approximately two minutes per every half minute you spend staring at them.
  2. Make sure your sleeping environment is soothing, uncluttered, and serene. Never but never: listen to music or (God forbid!) the news; talk on the phone with an in-law, ex, or irritating sibling; read scary books; make lists of any kind; or converse or argue in your boudoir. Always but always: speak (if you absolutely must) in a voice just above a whisper (it’s best just to avoid all human contact!); make sure your linens are fresh and pressed wrinkle-free daily (and you really should use only organic, hand-harvested and hand-woven 100% Egyptian cotton sheets with a thread count above 15,000); keep food and drink completely out of the area (digestion is hard work!); make sure the room is painted a soothing color; keep the temperature anywhere in the range between 63 and 64 degrees without drafts of any kind; have no lighting above fifteen watts; run an air purifier at least six hours before diving between the sheets; and make sure that the deadbolt on your bedroom door is in good order. How easy is that to make your sleeping environment conducive to the very best rest?
  3. Take a warm shower or bath directly before bedtime. Pamper your psyche with soothing bath oils or scented organic hand-milled soaps, preferably made of strictly organic regional herbs by a religious order somewhere in the Alps. Light smokeless soy candles and rest those bloodshot bleary eyes. Lock your loved ones out of the bathroom, and use earplugs to eliminate their arguments, pleas, and screams. Simply drench yourself in the pleasures of hot water and total tranquility.
  4. Once in bed, use meditation techniques you can easily find (during the day!) on the web.(Special recommendation: Tanya Kinsey’s “Shut Up and Sleep!” series on YouTube.) Relax your mind and clear away all thoughts, recognizing and then “dismissing” the numerous difficulties at work, relentless family squabbles, shattering disappointments, personal ghosts of failures and regrets, memories of broken relationships and hearts, angst over the overwhelming and seemingly-impossible projects, endeavors, and aspirations of your uphill life, and, of course, your ongoing struggle to rest. Calm that Monkey Mind and you’ll find yourself dropping off to sleep like a two-month old. It’s as simple as that!
  5. As a last ditch effort if the above don’t quite turn the soporific tide, try half a bottle or so of NyQuil and a glass of Cab, or two Benedryl tabs (which go much better with a Sauvignon Blanc), or instead, lavish use of CBD/THC insomnia gummies or tabs! An apt expression from the 1960’s comes to mind that seems even truer than ever: Better living through chemistry! That’s what science is for. Nighty-night!

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