Thank you for choosing my ‘Sunny Bushwick Two Bedroom’ for your New York City vacation! I hope I am in Berlin (I have never been to Berlin, but I just feel like I “get” it) although I am probably watching another one of my wretched cousins get married in a barn in Oregon. Either way, I typed up this thoughtful little sheet to help guide you through your meager few responsibilities for the duration of your stay. 

The only small favor I ask of you (in addition to a full payment and seven fees you are not getting explanations about), is that every five hours, no matter what, you empty the radiator’s leakage from its affixed container. This is critical. 

My radiators are possessed by a water spirit (legally), and he is pestilent, but fair. Each radiator leaks exactly one gallon of water an hour. I reconfigured a few 5 gallon wine barrels to latch onto the radiators to make the leak receptacles look a little more appealing, but don’t let my Tuscan charm lure you into complacency. The water spirit (legally) possessing my radiators has a kind of “give him an inch he takes a mile” vibe, so although the water spilling out during the five hour allotment is a reliable and steady speed, once the clock tolls five hours after the last barrel emptying, the water spirit isn’t as benevolent. You can expect immediate, catastrophic flooding. 

Because of the stakes (life or death), it’s important that you bring an alarm clock that can reliably wake you up every 4.75 hours (transition time) so that you can save yourself from dying in a totally legal (and fair) flood. If you are thinking, “Oh, a flood might be a great excuse to destroy all of these documents that implicate me in fraud,” I would ask you to instead please visit my plausible deniability fire pit in the backyard. I have placed a humble office space directly beside a chaotic at best, murderous at worst, hastily constructed fire pit, and from there, one small oopsie and your “evidence” will be “destroyed.” Save me the aggravation of flood repairs and destroy your evidence out back like the rest of us. 

If you have any trouble please don’t hesitate to give me a call. If for some reason I can’t answer the phone, say, because one of my pathological liar cousins is telling me another hours long anecdote about their one year old son doing something precocious that I know to be developmentally impossible, then please feel free to call my management company, whose number I have attached. 

It is crucial for you to keep in mind that renting my apartment out to you is totally illegal. To get your problems solved without arousing suspicion of our crimes (yes, you’re implicated), you will have to expertly impersonate me during your phone call with management. I have an extremely high pitched voice. I carry it well, and you should too. 

The woman who manages my building is named Pessy. We have an incredibly adversarial relationship, built on many years of her brutal indifference towards her work responsibilities and a manic cruelty towards me personally. Once Pessy hears your remarkably high voice, she will launch into her usual barrage of insults. You must join her in the commotion, it’s the only way to tire her, thus disarming her. I recommend workshopping a few searing insults beforehand. You don’t want to show up to a knife fight with a banana. 

After you’ve insulted one another back and forth into a fevered crescendo, a golden silence will follow, when Pessy momentarily catches her breath. This is your only chance, while Pessy huffs and puffs, to beg for a simple repair. 

Easy peasy! 

From then on it’s a simple waiting game! Pessy never confirms whether or not she is taking steps to solve my problems, but at any point repair people could show up at my place, and if you aren’t there to let them in, Pessy will grow insufferably smug, drunk on your failure and email me something like “I guess I was under the impression you WANTED heat.” To avoid the dangerous emboldenment of Pessy, once you make the call, please cancel all of your plans for that day (and as many days as it takes for the problem to be solved) in case any repair people dare to show up. Order some delivery and stay in for a few days. You’re part of the culture now! 

Thank you for choosing my ‘Sunny Bushwick Two Bedroom’ for your vacation! I hope your stay provides all the relaxation and rejuvenation you need from your chaotic life. 

P.S. Please feed my cat, Bronson, twice a day. He is a unique boy. Do not ever look him in the eye. Leave any room he enters. He likes the back bedroom, I’d recommend just letting him have that one.