Apology Letter To My Book Club

Dear Group,

I received the email yesterday with the announcement of your intention to vote on my continued membership in our esteemed group. Before said vote, I ask that you consider the following.

First, I’d like to apologize to the entire group. I guess I haven’t fully transitioned from our Zoom meetings. I was very excited to meet once again, in person, and a big thanks to Marie for hosting. Ladyfingers, a kale salad, and whatever that brand of Tequila; it was tasty and potent. Sorry, I didn’t know that was the private reserve. Could have sworn someone said, “Check the third cupboard up, with the padlock on it.” Oops.  

Apparently, for some, my sartorial presentation was offensive. Sorry, Cindy, I assure you those weresweatpants and not longjohns. (I can direct you to the Lands End catalogue, if you like.) No, Allison, I swear I was not going commando. 

Sorry, Thomas. You complained about body odor. Please remember I was sitting next to Bruno, Marie’s Boxer. Not only does he look like Winston Churchill, did you check his breath? Look up coprophagia. And seriously, that skunk odor? Not me. Did you notice how happy Mario and Estelle were when they came inside after break? And did you notice that Mario ate three cupcakes, boom, right in a row? Just saying. 

Apologies to Sarah. I didn’t mean to denigrate your advanced degree in Victorian literature. I just wanted to point out that we’ve read Pride and Prejudice THREE times the past two years.  Oh, and just a note: George Eliot is not a man.

Apologies to Peter. Yes, dressing up in Victorian garb for P&P was indeed novel. That said, I don’t think we need to dress in costume for each book. I mean, our IT meeting with a dozen murderous clowns was a bit over the top. Sorry I tried to stab you with that butter knife. 

Apologies to Dale. Sorry I called Ken Follett a “creative typist.” I know you have read all his novels and lead his fan club here in town. And yes, I have seen the email he sent to you, personally. Nice frame.  

Apologies to Martin. Yes, I’m all for inclusion. That said, I don’t think reading about all of the Marvel characters necessarily checks that box. I’m not such a snob so as to discount comics, anime, or graphic novels. That said, I’m with the group on their down vote re: your Archie comics. Remember what we discussed at break last year? BOOK Club! And to answer your insistent question, Betty. Not Veronica. 

Apologies to Elizabeth. Sorry I kept trying to get you to sing the harmony on “Wind Beneath My Wings” after I found the tequila at said meeting, and you know, imbibed. Maybe you wanted the lead? All yours. I prefer background anyway. (Can we keep it in C?) And it wasn’t just an empty drunken promise; I will check and see if Beaches is a novel and if Bette would grace us with a visit. 

Apologies to Marie. Again. Sorry I took your cat. You can take down the posters. I was so excited to be meeting in person and it seemed like we were all connecting, and after that third shot, I could feel the warmth spreading, and when Elizabeth joined me in the chorus of Wind, I just got a little lost in the camaraderie. And then Sprinkles was sitting on my lap and purring and…anyway. I’ll be by first thing in the a.m. 

Apologies, again, to Marie. Yes, I did key your neighbor’s BMW. (I hate Blink) You have to understand. I was feeling great, Sprinkles was snuggling my neck, and y’all agreed to think about reading Ulysses at some point, it wasn’t a hard “NO, are you nuts?” like last time.  And then I saw the Trump bumper sticker and.., well, can you really blame me? 

Apologies to Benevolence for not being more open about her crusade.., er, suggestions for  protecting the reader and pre-identifying toxic masculinity, macro-aggressions, plate shaming, unintentional subliminal testostic belittling, bibliophilic disabling, excessive authorial violence (as found in War and Peace, the Bible, etc.) I‘ll try and be more sensitive to micro-aggressions. And, in good faith, I’ll just tell you up front, Old Yeller dies in that book. Hang on. 

Apologies to the entire group. In that last meeting at my house before Covid, full transparency, my brownies were loaded. Sorry. I really did feel it was the only way I could sit through a discussion of Eat Pray Love. And in my defense, if you recall, y’all were laughing when I sort of confessed and said, “I’m praying y’all love eating these brownies.” 

And finally, I ask that you take this apology into consideration as you vote. As the inimitable Puck reminds us, “Lord what food these morsels be.”  

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