Fresh off the recent Ohio Senate primary victory of his endorsed candidate and eager to again flex the power of his support, former President Donald Trump stunned pundits and the fast food industry by inserting himself into another hotly contested conflict – America’s chicken sandwich war.
In a surprise speech from the Mall of America’s food court, Trump shared that the various contenders had long sought his endorsement.
“These people they call me all the time, you know, have been since this all started” said Trump standing atop a hurriedly-cleared fixins bar. “They would all say ‘Sir, it would be our greatest honor of our lives if you could perhaps tell Americans which chicken sandwich to eat’ and so we were looking into that and I said to my team this sounds like something that could be interesting.”
The war, which dates back to 2019, began as playful but feisty social media shade throwing between sandwich superpower Chick-fil-A and chicken-on-bun upstart Popeye’s. That spark soon triggered the great war, eventually pulling in franchises ranging from Bojangles to Zaxby’s.
With confused Panda Express employees serving as a backdrop, Trump gave his full-throated endorsement to McDonald’s Crispy Chicken Sandwich.
“The champion and best in class is McDonald’s Chicken Sando,” said Trump apparently mixing the name of his preferred sandwich choice with an offering from the Fuku chain. “It’s delicious chicken, pickles, and a buttery potato roll. That’s it. You know we served McDonald’s at the White House quite often. It was always such a surprise to our dinner guests. You could just tell from their expressions that they loved it. And I was the first president to do that. No other one had even thought of it. Not Abe Lincoln. Not Barack Hussein Obama. None of them.”
Trump shared that he had informed a “beyond grateful” McDonald’s leadership of his decision just prior to his food court arrival.
“I just hung up one of my staffer’s phones after speaking with Mayor McCheese,” Trump claimed while tossing McDonald’s sandwiches into a crowd of unsuspecting and exhausted lunching shoppers. “The Mayor said to me, ‘Mr. President, this is not just a momentous day for McDonald’s but for all of real America.’ And I thought that was pretty tremendous. I’m hearing the people there are thrilled and that citizens of McDonaldland are gathering on the banks of beautiful Filet-O-Fish Lake for the biggest rally ever.”
Trump then announced an end to the multi-year conflict, declaring “With my endorsement today, this war is over. Joe Biden didn’t end it. I did.”
During his nearly three-hour speech, Trump offered unscripted critiques of other chicken sandwiches. Among the highlights:
KFC – “Colonel Sanders is a good man. A veteran. And we love our veterans, don’t we? I know he really wanted my endorsement but I don’t know who he thinks he is fooling with the whole ‘KFC’ thing. We know the K. We know the K is Kentucky and that is where Mitch McConnell is. And Old Crow Mitch hasn’t been too nice to me you know. He could have saved the country but he didn’t. So, you see the problem there.”
Chick-fil-A – “I love Chick-fil-A, I do. Good people. Great sandwich. Believe in the sanctity of the family. I had Valentine’s Day dates there with all three of my wives in fact. That’s how long I have been a fan. But did you know they aren’t open on Sundays? Like, at all. I think it’s a church thing but why all day? How long does it take to read Two Deuteronomy? There was a Chick-fil-A near Trump National not too far from the White House and so many times after a Sunday round I would want to stop and the Secret Service would say ‘Sir, every week we tell you that they are closed on Sundays.’ I used to tell my generals that you can’t win a war with part-time soldiers. Same holds for chicken sandwiches. Frankly, I’m surprised the Jews haven’t made a bigger fuss. I’m going to ask Jared about that when he gets back from Saudi Arabia.”
Fatburger – “First of all, they call themselves ‘burger.’ Big mistake. If you are burger, how can you be chicken. McDonald’s is both. And fish. But they don’t play up burger like this. Also, Fatburger named their sandwich Kings Hawaiian. A so-called Hawaiian tricked America not too long ago and that didn’t go over too well. Not sure we want to get fooled again. Plus, they put avocado on it, so no.
Wendy’s – “I’m sure Wendy is a great lady but her name kinda reminds me of another certain bossy woman. Wendy. Hillary. Hillary. Wendy. You hear that, right? Makes me lose my appetite, which is saying something. So, I have never even tried one. Don’t need to. Nasty woman. Nasty chicken sandwich.”
Church’s – “Given the name, I assumed they had the same no-Sunday policy and I need a place that will have a sandwich when I need one, regardless of the day and especially after my Sunday golf round. So, to be honest, I didn’t even try one. But let’s be clear, unlike antifa, we love our churches.”
Pollo Campero – “Total non-starter. Frankly, I’m sick and tired of Mexico stealing sandwich jobs. Unless Mexico is going to pay for the sandwiches, I’m out. Plus, I’m fairly sure I saw on TV that chain got caught up in some drug shenanigans in New Mexico. Bad news. I don’t think we want job stealing, meth dealers getting votes or selling chicken sandwiches.”
After exiting the fixins bar via a hastily assembled makeshift ramp, Trump told those still assembled that more endorsements would be in the offing.
“We’re looking at weighing in on many important matters. Wrestling rivalries, the upcoming midterms, some pretty special things with the Real Housewives franchise and so so much. Stay tuned and make America great again etcetera!” he said, waving off further questions before disappearing into the Auntie Anne’s queue.